I (f18) got admitted to berekely but Jesus fucking Christ I could give less of a shit, it isn’t even the school I wanted to go to (I wanted community college) everyone’s talking about how special it is, how great it is, it fucking isn’t great. I’m already suffering from severe stress and academics, I have a AP testing next week. I fucking hate my life, I hate myself, I hate how bitter and resentful I am for choosing a life that I don’t even want to live. I wish I had never been an overachiever so I could have simply gone to community college but that means I would lose out on both of my scholarships.
You know what’s even worse? I cried over the dinner table today with my sister and mother, it was my mother’s birthday yesterday and they didn’t wake me up to celebrate with her. It wasn’t even about not celebrating with her. It was the fact I missed out on celebrating with her when I’m the first one in my family to go to university, it would have been our last celebration of her birthday before going to university and staying there for four years. So now I just look like a stupid eighteen year old throwing crying over not being waken up to celebrate my mother’s birthday. My sister claims she woke me up but I literally have no memory of anyone ever waking me up.
I hate how angry and bitter I’m becoming, I’m too young to be so angry at the world and everyone around me. I’m so tired of living, I pray I get cancer or take someone’s cancer away so I can die. I don’t care anymore if I achieved all these “great things” if they don’t mean shit to me.
I literally haven’t been able to cry in three months and this is the first time I cried ever since I burnt out the feeling. Anyway that’s all.