I still question if he was really sick since all I did is an FNA that said "consistent with" lymphoma but I didn't ever want him to have to see the vet again so I said he's going to be home and happy with me for the rest of his life.
I still question if he got too fat on prednisone because I couldn't stand to see my giant baby be hungry and I killed him that way.
I still question if he was just hot and panting all night and all he needed was a fan on and it wasn't cancer and/or steroids effecting his breathing
I still question if he was just getting old and his joints were giving out and I gave up on him too soon
I still question if that last morning really should have been his last or if he just needed a good sleep to get his energy back and feel better again
I still question why I told the vet I'd meet him in 30 minutes to put down my best friend forever instead of loving him for at least a few more hours so I didnt have this doubt that he knew how much I loved him
I still question how the in home euthanasia vet could be so heartless to not respond for days forcing me to take my boy to the place he hated most to take his last breaths
I still question why a beautiful 6 year old giant teddy bear had to be taken from me so soon when I loved him more than life and he loved life
I still question how to get through another second, minute, hour, day, week, month year and lifetime without him with all these other questions.
I still question if I terrified him in his last moments because I was so terrified
I still question where he is and if he's scared and looking for me
How do I ever get any peace? I'm so broken, my heart hurts and I'm just a shell. I'm so sorry for all of you here in this pain, so very sorry.
EDIT: I'm overwhelmed but the amount of love and support coming out of this group. I'm really struggling with this and feel so alone in life because I'm the only person I know to have this reaction over a lost animal companion. I miss him so much and don't know what happened to me when I lost him but it's absolutely soul crushing and I miss him every second of every day and watching the signs of him disappear more and more is almost too much to bear. I have seen many pet grief counselors online but think it's time for in person therapy and will take those steps. It's all I can do so I'm not completely swallowed whole by this. Love and hugs to all of you and thank you so much for not thinking I'm out of my mind like everyone else.