u/Alternative_Exam_249

Tw: mentions of DV and SA.

I'm not too sure how to start this or say this except from straight up: i struggle to love my biological father.

As a bit of background info, I'm the 6th of 7 children and the second daughter and my father is a pastor.

My entire childhood he's been pretty much absent emotionally and spiritually at all times except from when he wanted something from me and I never understood why.

My mom prides herself in the face that my dad has never changed a diaper or got up at night to calm the kids when they were crying which I find awful and once again didn't underst why; until I found out that when my eldest brother was teething , my dad got angry because he was crying and hit him which sparked a fight between my parents and after which my dad pretty much said "alright, I'm out." And never clocked in as a parent again.

My whole life I've struggle with feeling like I wasn't good enough or like something was wrong with me.

When I was around four, I got SA-d by two family members and a neighbor and my dad reacted by... not doing anything. At all. Not even talking to them.

My mom initially was very agitated and angry but when she calmed down, she proceeded to explain that my family's and especially my father's reputation could be ruined if anyone finds out and I need to keep my mouth shut.

Growing up, I looked for my father's love in any man I could and I'm too ashamed to even mention what I would do as a teenager just to catch the attention of a man who didn't even care for me.

When I got a little older I started idolizing my second oldest brother, who has always treated me like I'm his first child, and through him God moved my heart and brought me closer to Himself.

I've been to confessions about my issue with my lack of care for my dad because the bible says that if you claim to love Jesus but don't love your brothers in faith, you're a liar and the spirit of God doesn't dwell inside of you but all I was ever told was to pray for him and to submit to the authorities God put in my life, things I already did before that but they never changed the fact that I don't love him even tho i try.

Can anyone please help me?

When I converted, I made a deal with God that whenever I see a fawn or a deer, I'll view that as a symbol of His love.

Recently I've had a rougher time and haven't really been spending time in God's word as I know I should but God answered a prayer I really wanted just in the way I asked Him to, even tho I haven't been "good" or "as I should".

I was sitting and thinking about it and while reading my Bible today galations 5: 4-6 stuck out to me in a way it never did before.

I know good works don't save you and salvation comes through faith and God's grace but today I understood that the true meaning of God's unconditional and unfailing love isn't just a symbol, it's the way He pulls through when I need him even when I won't.

Ever since my last post, I feel like my love for God has grown deeper and more mature.