Backstory: [Hi this is my first post on here, but I have been reading a lot in this group the past year. I (23F) have been living at home since last summer after graduating college (moved home bc I was planning on applying to med school and was taking a gap year to save up money). I’ve been living back home with my parents. It’s been difficult bc I definitely do not want to be here (but I know I am very fortunate because some people do not get to do this!), especially alone bc my little sister moved out to go to college when I moved back in. I finally know that I will be moving out this summer and I’m starting an awesome grad program back in the state I went to college in! I got accepted last month. I’m very happy. The past year of having to live at home again after being gone out of state and just visiting home the past four years, has made me realize so many things about my mother. I guess because I am noticing things in her behaviors that I thought were normal bc I was young and know I’m an adult. I am pretty sure she is a narcissist, which makes me feel so bad saying because I do love her. But a lot of things she does, how she acts, and so many childhood memories I was able to relate or see my mom in on like every post on here.]
Okay so this is the issue right now. I have made several trips back to where I went to college over this year to visit my bf (we have been dating for 3 years and had to do long distance for a little ~16 hrs away) and friends. I have been working at home obviously, so obviously paying for these visits myself. EVERY TIME I tell her I am going she gets extremely mad. She says it isn’t fair to them (then does the thing where they make you feel guilty for caring/providing for them). She would say I shouldn’t be going there just to go have fun when I’m in a gap year and makes it a huge big fight every time. I don’t really know why. I’m an adult and don’t use their money. Like what. I guess in the past I kinda saw her point because the first time I went I finally had decided not to pursue med school (which was a whole other thing that she was mad at and it was very hard to even admit that to myself because I knew deep down her judgement of it and I kind of had been depressed last year because of that disappointment in myself and from her) and she was “so mad and disappointed in me for going back there again”… even though I was still figuring out my career path and did figure it out and am fine. She also got SO MAD when I went another time for my bfs birthday to support in his grief him when his best friend since he’s been little (who was also my friend I met in college) passed away last summer. Screaming and yelling at me.
I know that me going there really causes a fight in our house. I have a flight in two days to go visit for two weeks….. I am going to see my college friends and bf and we are going for a memorial concert thing for our friend who passed. The next weekend my bfs cousin has a wedding and I’m going with his family (who I absolutely love).
I haven’t told my parents yet bc I’m really scared of my mom’s reaction and growing up I learned to just keep the peace (I’m the quiet older child I guess). I know I should have told them by now but there hasn’t been a good time. It was my dad’s bday yesterday so I didn’t want to ruin that. Last week my dad went out of town for a fishing trip and I obviously was not gonna tell her being in the house alone with her giving her freedom to scream and us fight. I was going to tell them tonight but guess what. My mom got mad at the smallest thing and didn’t talk the whole time we were at dinner with my grandparents and was still mad at home. It was my dad’s bday dinner too. My dad told my grandma her dress was pretty and then my mom said “awww it is”, then immediately pointed at her stomach (bc her dress was a little tight and her brace she wear was showing through) and my mom immediately after touched my grandmas stomach and said “what’s that?” And we were all confused like obviously it’s a brace on an elderly person that my grandma has been wearing every day for three months since she had surgery? Idk it was one of those things I think where if someone’s getting a compliment or looked at she points something out. My dad was like huh? Bc she does that to him he will walk out to show her his new shoes or something all excited and she points out how his pants are too big. It reminded me of two weeks ago when I tried a new eyeshadow and showed her and she liked it and then pointed to my eyelid (I have hooded eyes a little I guess?) and said is that a fat pad what is that? And I was like what I don’t know it’s my eye lid. Now I’ve been thinking I have a fat pad on my eye since then. So back to tonight, after she said that to my grandma I was like yeah you literally said I had a fat pad the other week lol. (Oops I shouldnt have said that but I really bothered me kind of) but I didn’t say it mad or rudely even I just laughed ab it. Well that set her off for the whole night and I was so rude for calling her out like that. When we got home she was yelling at me saying she NEVER said that (she literally did my sister was home and heard) and trying to tell me how rude it was I would say that and I need to apologize. Now that I’m older I don’t want to apologize? I didn’t do anything? I told her I was sorry for saying it then and didn’t mean to call her out but she did say that and it hurt my feelings and told her I was allowed to feel that way. She walked away and said I guess I’m a horrible person that points out her daughters fat pad and my mothers stomach and slammed the door. Then she texted me this : “I’m really tired of you coming at me. Really sick of it. Just because you don’t want to live here anymore doesn’t give you the right to be disrespectful toward me and obstinate because you’re annoyed with how you view me in your adult eyes.”
So I don’t know what to do😭 she’s gonna be so mad when I tell her I’m leaving the day before and say I was hiding it (which I do bc I get scared to tell her). I was also thinking it would be better this time bc the will be the first time I’m visiting officially having a plan for my life and happy and they are happy about that. But now I don’t think it’s gonna go smoothly.
Now because I upset her my parents started fighting. My dad is sleeping I. The guest room and I just heard her walk in and say to him “oh look at you all nestled up and cozy like you’re the superior person. When you come in the room and say fuck off and how miserable you’ve been and threaten divorce” and now they are fighting and talking about divorce in front of me and they only fight like this when I make my mom upset and I feel like it’s my fault