- NSFW: speak of drugs, alcohol, sexual confession, and mental disturbances. -
About a month ago I gave my life back to Christ and I did it when I began my very messy withdrawal. Feelings and senses were heightened and I felt like I did a lot of complaining and begging God to help me with my mind and my feelings. I was mistaking every little thought and every little feeling with something dreadfully existential and overwhelming. I’m still miraculously positive (for marijuana) after almost 40 days of consistent exercise and maintaining a good and consistent diet. I cannot shake this mental fog, and I’ve been over exaggerating my feelings with God and just feel confused because every time I feel like I’ve got it down and I can walk forward, I take a step and fly off the handle in some way. I sought true forgiveness and received the Holy Spirit, this is fact. I’ve been on Gabapentin for about a week and a half, which might be why I feel so dizzy and apathetic recently. I feel conviction, I feel anxiety from time to time, but it’s hard to tell which is which on this medication. Hear me out, Google states Gabapentin is basically a light sedative and is used for calming nerves and anxiety, but in doing this, and it being a new medication for me, it’s made me feel like I haven’t been connecting with God in a way where I feel the joy, but feel the peace. When I think about the rapture I get anxiety, when I think about reading Job I get anxiety, when I read things in the Bible that don’t apply to me but did before I repented I get anxiety as if it still applies to me. The only “issue” I have left, is just my sexual urges. I used to be a gooner like most 20 year old dudes are these days, but I abandoned my drug and alcohol usage, nicotine usage, pron usage, and my fowl language, all cold turkey. I’ve said, “ass” and “bastard” maybe 2-3 times each in the last month with no exceptions for words outside of it, I’ve rubbed one out 1 time in the past month and felt horrible afterwards (I didn’t even feel right doing it but I just felt pent up and couldn’t sleep), I haven’t played my Xbox in a month, gave up my old clothes, boxed all my manga up, and I just turned my life around from things that took a lot of my time away and gave up my major addictions cold turkey to pursue Christ. I know Christ dwells within me, but I just can’t shake this feeling sometimes when I read my Bible my heart and chest feel on fire and I get a headache and get really sweaty. Even if it’s not a heavy book, like I was reading John a couple days ago, just reading about some of the miracles the Lord has done, and even in just reading the wholesome portions of Jesus’ life, I get all hot and bothered sometimes when I read. Also, why don’t I feel excited about some things? My dad will get visibly worked up (in the good way) about the rapture, reading his Bible, etc. I’m consistent, but I feel like sometimes I’m just checking boxes subconsciously, which makes me nervous because then I’d be living by the Law when it’s just supposed to be between me and Christ. I feel like I over complicate things even when I’m not trying to. I read in the word when he healed the woman who was caught red handed committing adultery, Lord says, “go on and sin no more.” It is inevitable that we will sin, willingly and unwillingly at points in our lives even after repentance, especially if you start this walk as young as I am legitimately. I don’t want to say that I’m immature and can’t make good/bad decisions, but my conversion was extremely sudden and at the peak of my withdrawal. I’ve been on some kind of pill really since this all started including; Tomazipan, Hydroxyzine, Diphenhydramine, and Gabapentin (I also have Lexapro but haven’t used it yet). I just feel drugged up sometimes and feeling the remainder of this withdrawal. My withdrawal is from marijuana, but I spiked in potency like 2 weeks before I quit. For my age, my hormones are still balancing out, other hormones are balancing out from withdrawal, and some things are being blocked off and changed from the medications. This has made me feel like I’m not taking my walk seriously and that I’ve just been messing around and choosing the pill over growth and blah blah blah but I know I’m doing fine, I just can’t seem to get my mind to work right. I feel like the lights are on but nobody’s home and my thoughts aren’t even my own, even when I try to conjure up a thought. The thought is there but it doesn’t feel like it’s in my head, it just feels like it popped up from the ether and vanished all while I’m just static. Should I stop taking Gabapentin? I’m just confused on what my next steps are because I want to feel that overwhelming love and peace I felt when I received the Holy Spirit. Overall, I especially want this feeling and these thoughts, “I’m not doing it right” “am I saved?” “It’s ok to sin every once in a while” “I don’t need this in my life” and stuff like that. I just hate that the thoughts I get happen to be just so straight to the point and vulgar, and why so often? That’s why I’ve been kinda (not relying) using the Gabapentin when I get stressed thinking about those things. My mindset just seems to be constantly focused and consumed by my standing with God and my each and every move. I don’t want to diagnose myself, but I think I might struggle with scrupulosity. My grandparents agree that it could be a possibility but dunno where to bring that up. How to consult and who to consult to professionally find out, my whole life I’ve showed those same symptoms towards my belief and I need to switch it up because I can’t keep going through these cycles and loops in my brain where I have to go digging for evidence just to prove something to myself that is already done. It’s so frustrating because it’s MY brain, but I can’t seem to control it or anything that comes in or out. It’s rapid, consistent, inconvenient, disturbing, and just a horrible thing to live with I feel. Like, “if you’ve lusted with your eyes then you’ve lusted in your heart,” I try not to let my eyes wander in public but it seems like the rear end is the first thing my eyes go to when I’m in public, I’ve tried to use grounding techniques and think of something to steer my mind away from the thoughts or sights, but my mind twists those up too. I’ve literally been shaking my head physically in public and in front of my grandparents when I get a bad thought to shake it out. I usually go to bed mentally exhausted form just how much I think about and how much I process. I’ll have to end writing a TL;DR for this because I’ve just been typing whatever has come into my brain in the moment to describe this. I have to wait like 4-5 seconds for my words to finish typing out before I type more lol. Anyways, how do I focus on getting closer to God and actually having the want and the consistent drive to push forward. I learned about the different types of people described as seeds in the Bible and on what material they land on describes their path. I want to be on fire for God and I want to tell people about God, I just hate using the internet to do that because I care about my digital privacy via its connection to my real whereabouts hence the burner account. I’m not afraid to bring up God in places or with people, I just haven’t had the means to because I’m where I am for recovery and I don’t live here. I have no friends here, no job here, and just my truck and grandparents. I just need some help on what I can do in the meantime and how I can ignite this love and growth for the Lord I haven’t had recently due to my state. Might be overreacting, might just be moving too fast for where I am, but I just want to hear what others have to say.
TL;DR - going thru withdrawal, new to my physical location, feel sloppy about my walk, need some advice on how to gather my thoughts and focus on God despite medications, withdrawal, and limited social contact.
Edit: parenthesis