u/Alt_SWR

I'm sorry to my old friends. I know that when you knew me I was insufferable, and, emotionally immature. I was going through a lot, and I didn't understand why so many people didn't want to be my friend. I do now.

You all stopped talking to me because I was an emotional vampire. Being my friend meant making my problems your problems. I caused drama for myself, and then pushed it on everyone around me. That was never fair to you. My issues were, and still are heavy, but that was never an excuse to bring others down with me. Life is unfair, and I only made it more unfair for you.

I'm sorry to all my crushes in my younger years. I was only a teenager, but, that's no excuse for the way I acted. I know that I creeped you out more times than anyone can count. I know that you were afraid of me, avoided me.

I would never have hurt any of you even if given the chance, but, how could you possibly have known that? I'm glad you were smart enough to protect yourselves, because there are plenty of people who would have taken advantage if you weren't. Wherever all of you are, I wish you the best. You'll never see this, I won't ever say any of it because you're all better off and have hopefully not thought about me in years.

I'm sorry to younger self. This wasn't who we wanted to be. I know that, I believe you knew that as well. Yet, years of untreated trauma and abandonment issues led us to that point. None of these apologies are to excuse the way we acted, we never hurt anyone except ourselves, but, we did push people away. I don't blame them for the ways they felt about us, you never did either. They were right. We were a mess, and, it's taken years to even begin cleaning that mess.

Ugh I hate that I feel horny like, 99% of the time. Masturbating does basically nothing to help. I'm also not great at socializing or in a situation where I even could get a GF or even hook up so, sex just isn't a thing in my life right now. Never actually has been in my 25 years.

I get that sex and horniness are normal human experiences but I just wish I didn't have to deal with wanting that.

I'm including myself in this one. A trend I've noticed is people have a habit of saying "well I'll just do it tomorrow/it doesn't matter that I failed at that I'll have another chance." And, that's not a terrible mindset when used sparingly. It's when it becomes a crutch that it becomes a problem.

We as humans will fail, that's inevitable. Make no mistake, I'm not suggesting that we beat ourselves up or hate ourselves over every failure, but, people get lazy and use "well I'm only human" as an excuse to never actually hold themselves accountable for their fuck ups. They use that as a way to deflect any blame from the choices they made that led to failing at whatever it is.

I also don't think that holding oneself accountable if they keep failing should be a reason not to try or to never take chances either. Those things only lead to stagnation. No, I'm more saying, acknowledge you fucked up, learn from it, and apply the lessons to have less avoidable failures in the future. Notice I specified "avoidable" failures because, unavoidable ones are a special case and an exception to the way I see things.

Trigger warning mentions of sexually sensitive topics

Last night, me and my uncle (the man who raised me) were arguing. Why were we arguing? Basically because I want to live my own life, he refuses to let that happen ever. He expects me to be tied to his hip until I find a gf and stay with her long enough to get to the point of us wanting to live together. He'll fight tooth and nail to keep me around himself until that happens I'm 25.

He's utterly convinced the reason I want to go back to college (went for a few years already) is purely because I want to have sex. He's said that before but here's where he took it too far this time. Don't read beyond this point if mentions of sensitive topics will trigger you please.

He basically explicitly said that if I were capable, I would rape someone. I was just so stunned that I literally could not respond. I've made a lot of mistakes when it comes to women but holy fuck I've never even considered that an option, and I never goddamn will. The fact that he said that shows me that he doesn't care to know a fucking thing about me. That's not something you just throw out lightly holy fuck. He pretty much sealed his own fate with that one because I will NOT stay with someone who's going to say something so horrible about me. Who thinks so utterly low of someone they're supposed to love. Fuck him and fuck that. I'm done.

I currently live with my uncle and grandfather. My uncle is the one who raised me. Throughout the years there's been various times that I've wanted to leave him behind. He's emotionally abusive as hell, and I've known that for many years. Yet everytime I let him guilt trip and emotionally strong arm me into staying and doing exactly what he wants me to.

Now, I want to go back to college (I somehow went once, then he manipulated me into coming back and I agreed like the fucking fool I am) this coming fall and he's doing everything he can to try to force me to stay here. Including trying to cancel a yearly trip we take to see family during summers that was supposed to happen in a few days. I'm not fucking happy here. It's miserable here and I don't even have my own room even at 25 fucking years old. It's ridiculous for him to expect me to just put up with this bullshit.

I'm done. I won't do this again. If he wants to permanently cut me out of his life for that (one of many emotional threats he relies on) then so fucking be it. I'll figure out my shit but I won't live like this anymore.

I love science, and, for the past few years I've been deciding whether I want to pursue it or not. I want to, but, well... I'm living in the US and the current administration is incredibly anti-intellectualism and anti-science. Even after 2028 it could possibly take decades to claw back all the lost progress and scientific funding.

I honestly wish I could move to another country, but, nowhere that would be good for what I want would accept me. I'm a broke 25 year old with minimal work experience and currently unemployed and undereducated. I'm certain I could do more to help further humanity given the opportunity but...I won't get that opportunity.