u/Alone-in-the-zoo

I was born in Pakistan & immigrated to the U.S with my family when I was around 13 years old. Right now I’m 39.

As a child I was always an atheist. My parents wanted me to study Islam because my entire family is very religious but I told them I don’t believe in god & they have always been ok with it. No issues at all. Same thing with my distant relatives they’re completely fine with me being a non believer no issue.

Since I immigrated to the U.S I never been back to Pakistan not even once. It’s just the life’s circumstances kept me busy from visiting but the truth is I really really miss Pakistan itself, miss the culture & specially the Pakistani women because to me they’re the most beautiful. I even tried connecting to Pakistani women online to develop a connection & make sure they know in advance that I’m an atheist but as soon as they find out that I’m an atheist their treatment of me changes. They become nonchalant & in some cases even disrespectful so I gave up trying to connect with Pakistani women decades ago.

At the same time I have been racially traumatized by Americans from pretty much the very beginning. Not trying to tell my entire life story but it has been traumatic in a worst way possible.

Here’s couple of real life examples :

In high school everything was cool but when 9/11 took place multiple teachers started calling me racial slurs & started being racist towards me so I didn’t finish high school. Said F that & dropped out.
Then I was Jumped/attack by cops right in front of my own business in New Orleans which left me with brain injuries & I had nonstop seizures for 5 years straight. I no longer have seizures. My seizure medication is $3000/month & it’s not available overseas.
Dated Merican women, invested time, energy & money just to find out later on their family members are racist or there’s always at least one family member (usually an elder) who’s racist or bigoted & I just refuse to be a part of that so I usually instantly end things.
But this is not all of it.
There has been many more situations.

Now that I’m getting older, U.S itself is becoming more & more religious, more racist, bigoted & more anti immigrant it makes me want to leave. I also don’t want to be an immigrant again to a new nation specially at this age because I’m tired & I don’t wanna fight again to be part of some country where I’m not welcomed.

& to be 100% clear I’m very much Americanized but no matter how hard I try to integrate Americans never let me forget that I don’t belong here. White people won’t stop being racist, won’t stop complaining about how immigrants won’t integrate as if they want people to start celebrating Christmas & kiss their feet the moment they land here and but when we do try to integrate they view us as “wanting to be white” even African Americans will accuse you of being a “culture vulture” the moment you start enjoying their culture, music, art Etc. Once again I’m tired of the race wars & all of this nonsense.

So I’m wondering is it wise for me as an atheist to wanting to move back to Pakistan permanently or will I be in some kind of danger? Can’t ask google for all life’s answers you know so I’m looking for some real advice from real people. Because I haven’t been to Pakistan since I immigrated to the U.S (total of 26 years) so I no longer know the culture over there. I know that the entire world has become more & more conservative which possibly means more religious but can someone who’s in Pakistan or other Pakistanis who are immigrants & ex Muslims can please give me some honest opinions. Is it safer to be an atheist & a minority in the U.S or is it safer to be a Pakistani atheist in Pakistan? Will people hate me, dislike or be disrespectful in Pakistan because I’m an atheist. I do acknowledge that Pakistani public themselves are the most friendliest people on earth. I’m one of them & I know how polite Pakistanis can be but I’m just not 100% sure if it’s safe & wise to be an atheist in Pakistan?

Thank you in advance for any input.