u/AlienorAngel

I completely understand why any of us in the system hardly front. What on earth is there for us to do if we aren’t the host?

I haven’t fronted in months (I lost track) and everything is different. And strange.
I cannot fathom how our host lives like this. I’m not saying she’s particularly messy, but there’s a certain standard of upkeep it seems she is not adhering to.
(All of our sensible black pens have no ink? Throw them away and get new ones? I am not writing with a bright blue pen with a dinosaur on it.)

I feel as though I hardly know anything about myself and have absolutely no clue how to start. We hardly ever leave our room (unless it’s for classes), and when we do we’re always masking. This leaves little room for the rest of us to do anything or go anywhere aside from the rare case one of us plucks up the courage to go out (but even then we usually resort back to the comfort and safety of masking).

I have attempted to dress in a way I feel best suits my internal sense of style. This helped somewhat, although minimally.

I also have no clue why I fronted. I dislike not knowing.
And on top of this, I am also now tasked with completing an assignment I have no interest in doing. I’d be perfectly capable if it were purely academic work, but editing? Not for me.
It seems I have little choice in this matter and must busy myself with the task regardless, despite my resistance towards it, as something internally (possibly the host) is insisting I adhere to the schedule the host set for herself.

All in all, this is awful. I don’t dislike fronting, but I believe the majority of us dislike having nowhere to go and no one to talk to whenever we are not the host. Especially as the people in our lives who do know and accept us accordingly are the same people who have not responded to us in months and live in different countries.

Any support or advice is welcome.

I feel like I’ve been doing pretty well recently, but I’ve also been really stressed and overwhelmed with a lot of the stuff that I’ve been doing. To the point that it’s been very easy to end back up in the denial I often find myself in since I’m not switching as much.

That being said, I had pretty decent communication with my system, but now it feels like very minimal communication if any. I don’t know if that’s on my end (in denial, not listening, constantly distracting) or if it’s coming from something else.

Last night I was getting ready for bed and I started feeling really off. The way I usually do when I switch, but I ended up having quite an intense non-epileptic/partial seizure (this is not the first time). This then led me to switching? I can’t really remember. I just remember a male-feeling presence being really confused and not knowing where he was or what he was doing in my room. He wrote in my journal and then fell asleep I think. I woke up with little to no recollection of how I got to bed or falling asleep.

I don’t really know what’s going on and it’s freaking me out a little bit. I miss when communication was better with my system and switches didn’t feel so intense.