TW for abuse/sa/substance use/stalking/ED/etc mention, no in depth details below, just warning for the mention!
If you have any advice, or even just can relate, it would mean a lot to hear!
To keep a LONG, draining story short, I grew up with an abusive father. He was a substance abuser, he was abusive towards my mother in everyway, and my mother has always took that out on us. He was abusive towards me and my older brother in some ways, but to the full extent I don't know. My mom has always preferred to focus on what she endured. They got divorced when i was ~3-4yrs.
Around the end, I 1.stopped being able to eat properly and 2.unlearned all of the words i knew and developed a speech impediment. My mom is someone who, to try to put it simply, is narcissistic, manipulative, and hides the truth. So, a lot of what was happening at home is only known by her. I still deal with this ED to this day, speech issues(mostly fine), along with a lot of other mental health issues(ive also experienced a lot of other trauma, so it all stacks). I deal with these consequences everyday, and i don't even know the cause. It's very hard for me to cope with - I want to know what, why, how, to know where to go next, to give it a name or validate it's real.
Between him stalking us/me, things he's said about me, threats/comments my mom has made, i've started to believe i was SA'd by him. But I can't confirm it - I was a toddler, I have memory issues, my mom won't tell me if she does know, no one else knows... I've spent countless hours over my adult life searching for records, but obviously it more than likely wasn't reported. I'm 26 and at a point where i'm realizing how much this effects me and that more than likely i will never have an answer. I don't know how to deal with that, how to heal from something I can't properly process, how to let go or move on.
I kept it as brief as I possibly could but, have you ever been through something similar? Do you have a trauma that you don't know the details of? How do you process it? Heal? Move on?