TL;DR: Born an affair child, willfully severed my relationship with the Church aged 9, been considering coming back lately but I doubt I’d be able to anymore.
I don’t really know where to start with this post. I (16M) feel like a bit of a lost cause overall when it comes to religion, and it’s really messing with me lately and I don’t know what to do.
I was born into a Catholic family and was baptised (although, admittedly, no idea where and when). I stopped believing in God around age 9, and became a hard-line atheist until I was around 15, when I started to open up again and started identifying as agnostic. I still tell people I’m agnostic, when in reality I’m just really confused. I don’t agree with atheists at all anymore, I just think they're wrong. At the same time, I don’t think I currently have enough faith in God either. I’m in a bit of a limbo state.
I received my first holy communion around 11-12, during my atheist era. I did not want to at all, and I haven’t gone to a Mass since then, except for once a year when I’m on holiday in Poland with my grandparents, and it’s either the 1st or 15th of August (very important days in Polish culture). And even then, we’re standing outside, we’re not actually inside the church building.
I never used to feel guilty for that. But now I do. I’ve separated myself from the church too much, and now I don’t know anything about it. I feel like I’m too far gone to be able to go back in again, especially since I don’t find Mass to be the most riveting thing of all time. I have autism too, which in my mind only complicates things further. I’m not “normal”, I can’t sit still for over an hour without shifting around all the time, and I’d be way too shy to even sit there with much older people that I’ve never seen before, let alone engage in anything. I’d probably bring some change with me for when they ask for donations, but that’s it. I’d be the worst person there.
What makes this even worse is that my existence itself was the result of mortal sin. I am an affair child, which is something I always subconsciously knew but never gave it much thought until about a month ago. My dad was (and still is married) to a woman who isn’t my mother. They have 2 children themselves (my half-brothers), and me - and my younger sister - came around when my dad and his wife separated for several years. In other words, I’m an affair child. My mum has never married. I shouldn’t even be on this planet in God’s eyes. Why was I baptised? If I was created out of sin, then how can I be valued or even just seen within the Church? Shouldn’t they have just refused me and told my parents to go home?
There’s other things too. I’m almost entirely sure that I have severe depression. I have zero self-esteem and hate myself. I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to live, I have thoughts about ending my misery all the time. I don’t get along with my parents at all; I’m in a constant battle with my mum, with tons of shouting, comments and defying and challenging, and my dad is so absent that I don’t see him as a father figure anymore. I only see him every other weekend, and even then I don’t interact much with him. He gave me his guitar after I told him that I wanted to learn it; it’s been 6 weeks since I’ve touched it because I have zero motivation. In every possible way, I am not an ideal person. I’m far too flawed. And because of that, I feel that I can’t go back to the Church and just have to live my life as an atheist/agnostic, because I’ve strayed so far from it. Also, after saying to my parents that I don’t believe in God for 7 years, it would feel incredibly hypocritical to suddenly turn back. It feels weak and just odd to do.
Please don’t waste your time praying for me. Sorry for the rant.