Hello! 36 M. I work as a psychologist. I’m looking for someone to speak with, preferably female. It doesn’t have to be NSFW conversation. It can be anything: science, philosophy, religion, politics (respectfully and cordial if politics lol). If it becomes more than those things than great! If not, that’s fine too. No pressure. Just need to talk with someone. Hope to see you in DMs!
I’ve posted here before on another account — I suspected I was struggling with limerence. I’m in a relationship with someone and we’ve been together for ten years. The limerence I have is with a coworker who I became very close with after going through this very rough time with my partner. Coworker and I have known each other for a year now. However, my limerence was actually reciprocated when we admitted to one another we have feelings and focus on each other all the time. Could it still be limerence? I got feedback saying yes. Coworker was with a boyfriend the entire time. Because of our relationships we just never did anything outside of admit feelings. You could say it crossed the threshold into an emotional affair. We know every thing about one another and we’ve never judged one another.
However, things changed two months ago. Her and her boyfriend broke up after something crazy transpired (on boyfriend’s end, no fault of her own). Since then, the dynamic has shifted immensely. I am still in my situation. She was grieving for a while. The grieving started turning into her getting in touch with a lot of her guy friends she couldn’t speak with because her boyfriend was very controlling. This started turning into get togethers and parties. I learned during two instances she had sex with one of her friends and a random guy at a party. She’s open and tells me. She’s surprised it hurts me because she’s expressed to me before random sex means nothing to her. She says her heart and mind is on me and the person she wants is me, but that she does have needs and sexual frustration since being single. I tell her what intimacy means to me. I tell her personally, I can’t be intimate with someone unless I’m close to them, attracted to them, etc. I tell her it just hurts me. We have totally different views. However, she’s single and I get it. Despite it hurting.
I ask her something selfish. I tell her “Give me a month to decide what I want. It may be sooner. But give me a month to decide, please.” I own property with my partner. Finances are tied together. It’s a lot going on. A lot to think about. She agrees. Maybe I should have set clearer boundaries with what that meant — because I didn’t tell her explicitly not to sleep with anyone, but kind of implied it? Well, same day we eat lunch in her car and she says there’s a party that night. My stomach drops. I tell her to please think of me if some random guy approaches. She kept reiterating I’m not single, she can’t be intimate with me and I said I understand. And I don’t think she was understanding I meant “You said you’d give me a month to decide. To just be courteous please. After the month, you do what you want and that’s on me.”
Well, next morning she kind of circles around the fact she slept with someone. When I bluntly asked, she’s like “Oh, (my name)….” Knowing it hurts me like she didn’t want me to know as she knew it would hurt. We kinda get into it. She tells me I can’t give her the time she needs because I’m in a relationship. I tell her I understand, but that’s why I had selfishly asked for the month to decide and plan. And that I thought it was implied she wouldn’t hook up and give me that time. She said that wasn’t explicitly stated. I told her “You know what, if it was roles reversed, I just wouldn’t have done it if I knew someone I cared about was thinking of changing their life for me.” We kind of saw each others points, but never came to an agreement really.
Now 2 weeks ahead, as of yesterday, she texts me like “I hope you’re feeling better (I have been sick the last few days). Won’t be in work.” I’m like “Oh, why not?” And she’s like “I’m out of town. You know me and my craziness lol. I’ll be back.” And I’m like “Oh. Where you at, what happened?” and all she replies with is “Nothing happened lol”. And in my head I’m like “Okay…she’s usually open about everything and she’s being evasive. She’s barely texted me since I’ve been out sick. Something is up.” So I text her a long, but respectful message saying I feel she’s been a bit distant and evasive and didn’t even really fill me in on what’s going on. She left me on read (ie showing the message was read) as of noon yesterday. No response since then. Knowing her she was probably like “I don’t wanna deal with this while I’m out having fun.” I do have a gut feeling she’s probably with someone.
Flip side, I was in Phoenix a week ago. I told her ahead of time and who I’d be with. When I was out with friends drinking I still texted her. She said she didn’t think I would but I reinforced to her that of course I would make time. And now this happens and she doesn’t even make the same effort.
I’ve poured a lot into showing I care. I message her whenever I can despite my situation. I’m a medical professional, and I drove across town twice to see her mom who was struggling with some things but refused care, and I saw the impact that had on my coworker so I made time twice to go speak with her mother about getting treatment and how I could help with referrals. My coworker is still in university and when she was stressed out, I wrote a research paper for her. Her family was dealing with some legal issues and she was super stressed one day so I actually showed up to court with her as a support. All of this within the last like 3 months. And I honestly can’t think of what she’s done for me? Outside of talk to me about my relationship when it was impacting me and when she got me a plaque of a car I like when she was out with her friends and thought of me and opened up to them she had feelings for me.
I feel she’s just been very different. Possibly still grieving? She goes to buy a brand new car and I’m like “Whoa not a good idea” when she had a 2023 Civic. She ignores my call at the dealership because she knows I’m going to give her logical financial advice that it’s a bad decision. She comes in the next day with a brand new car and in more debt with a new $600 payment. She’s living with her mom and complaining about that situation, but not saving money? She bought $300 boots and $150 lashes. She’s going out to drink more and going out to eat out more with her girlfriends and guy friends. She wants to spend $750 on a band for her Bachelors Grad party. All on her $2400 per month income. She applies to meet with her specialty nursing program and doesn’t go twice. She says she doesn’t know if she wants it anymore and when I ask her what she’s going to do she says instead of meeting with them she says she’s gonna go drink with her friends. And now she travels out of town, doesn’t tell me about it beforehand (when she always would text me plan and even when she got home late she would text me just to let me know she was alright) and now I’m just left on read.
I totally know she’s single. She can do whatever she wants. But I’ve been trying to express to her that everything she’s done just makes it hard to think about what I want to do. That’s why I asked for a month to make a choice. After that, she could do whatever she wanted and it would be on me. Because it hurts when she sleeps with someone. Even if it means nothing to her I told her it hurts me. Or the fact she isn’t open anymore. I was honest and told her I know it was selfish asking for a month to think and she agreed. Why agree to something at all if it meant you still could sleep with people? I don’t know. I feel like a mess.
And now my partner is being a lot more supportive and patient, which wasn’t happening before. It’s like things flipped.
I wrote a long message to my coworker kind of saying all of this. That I feel like an after thought now. That I feel she forgets I’ve been thinking about changing my life to be with her because I want that. But she’s done ABC and I feel she doesn’t think of me. I feel I’ve done all the stuff above for her, I stay up an hour writing a message and I have trouble sleeping because I’m like “Yeah, she’s probably with someone. It’s like last time.” And I’m checking my phone until my eyes close to see if she responded. I haven’t sent it.
I don’t know if I should send the message telling her how it’s felt. I feel I’ve been at a crossroads and I need to make a turn. And maybe I need to focus on putting this effort into my own relationship. I’ve started therapy a month ago so I’m trying to take the right steps. I’m sorry for this being so long and I appreciate this community for not judging.
Thank you for reading all of this and letting me vent.