u/Alarmed-Cold-9158 — reddlx

I used to beat myself up non-stop wishing I could have my person, after countless thousands upon thousands of hours together. Many filled with abuse, anger, misunderstanding, mental illness. A plethora of pains I could never begin to unravel, even now, after being most of the way away from it.

I got to watch them tear themself apart at the start, it hurt me very badly, there was nothing I could say or do to help, then they started doing the same to me. We put those shreds back together, but like a cat at a scratching post their claws slowly seeped in over time. Just like the behaviors, the ability to just ignore everything another person could feel, as they ripped them apart. How they could just so easily cheat or manipulate, and have absolutely no excuse or reason or anything to give.

I hope you eventually get some form of help or find a way to make that stuff go away. Leaving me to save me never made the difference, staying here to comfort me throughout our chaos did. Those promises are dead and gone now.

I am "free".

But I'm not, I traded that freedom for a life with you, willingly, and you promised me it. I am not free, I am trapped, I am stuck. Because I'm here by myself, and you're nowhere to be found. I'm glad you decided it was for my own good when you have big plans happening in your life where you get to just run away.

Unfortunately though, no matter how much you occupy yourself.

You're "free", just like me. But those memories will never let you be, and I hope I'm in every last one of them, still asking why I'm alone, after everything I went through to be with you.

You ran from your responsibilities, you ran from the blame, you abandoned me in the mountains on this barren trail, deciding your future would be to find your way home alone. What an impactful decision. My life hadn't been altered quite like that before. Before you, I had a sense of security, I had the ability to trust someone, even though it was still slight. Do not take these words as anger or aggression, I speak from a place of odd calmness, a deep serenity. I've come to accept, after repeated insanity, my life was destined for what was handed to me.

When you abandoned me on that path, my brain scrambled to find reasons, it scrambled to understand why you wanted to leave me. Why you wanted to break all of your promises, your vows, and everything you ever told me. You broke everything you ever told me, while at the same time, telling me I no longer needed it, and that you had to go for my own good. And those reasons I could find, were buried deep in the past, that deep pain you've expressed few times to me.

I understand that pain, I never wanted you to feel that, I never wanted to do that, my world was ending. Given the context at the time, which you're well aware of, I was put in an impossible situation, psychologically harassed non-stop knowing there was nothing I could do to be able to fix the issue. It wasn't me saying no, it was me understanding the consequences of actions. Something you lacked at the time, and that's not a snarky remark, but the truth.

I want you to think for a moment or two, about our past, and how at times my life was sincerely put in danger, directly by your actions. Particularly in 2 very precarious contexts. I have schizophrenia, I couldn't bare to give out trust, and I couldn't find safety. You reinforced that fact with how much you messed with me during that period, while all I did was try to drink myself to death knowing I can't physically do a damn thing about it. No matter how badly I would've wanted to, and as harsh as it may sound I'm glad I didn't attempt. That would've been so bad.

That would've changed the context of this entire situation it's not even remotely comprehensible. Which is why it hurts so much that you hurt from that event, I didn't want to do something bad, and make everything impossible. I held on to our words, our dreams, our vows, and I know at times I got to the point where I've said horrible things. But at the end of the day, nobody else was ever willing to be there for you in the capacity that I did, and wanted to be more of, and want to be more of now. I wouldn't find it possible in myself to want to hurt you, I react out of my own pain, knowing how much my heart has been torn to shreds non stop for so long.

Why can't you love me? Why must you be the lion in the cage? Why did you have to leave me on that path? I will never forgive myself for being able to make you feel that way, even if the context would've been far worse. I know what it's like, I know that feeling, I was going through it then while feigning happiness with others, and I feel it now knowing everything is gone.

I never did anything to hurt you like that intentionally, I sincerely promise from the bottom of my heart. I lash out from my pain, and I'm sorry that sometimes I really can't control that, this pain is too great, you should see how much pain the anxiety gave at other times. How much I wanted to care, and did care for you, how I kept checking in, even on situations that just looked bad externally, how I would always be there to make up for any misunderstanding.

I don't know why you needed to abandon me now, knowing we were right there, right within grasp of what we talked about. I guess it's another one of those times, we drag each other up from the abyss, but usually, I'm not allowed to leave.

You promised me everything, It vanished on that trail. I've been standing here in darkness for hours, and I still don't know how to feel. Honestly, at this point, that will never heal. I used to be a lioness in a cage too, I built the cage that contained me, I allowed you to live within. You broke the bars outwards, and then pushed them back in. I feel like I'm out of the cage, but I know I haven't been. I've never felt safe, and that really sucks to take in.

The death of us was the death of me, therefor to the death of everything that was me, I kneel.

Sorry if this rambles or if it's hard to read, it's awfully hard to find the effort to put in to much of anything anymore. But I'm sure that pain is mutual.

Good luck with whatever it is you're seeking, I just wished it were me, not having been left here with these rustling leaves.