You've done something pretty incredible. I knew you could do it. I always believed in you...
I guess you really didn't need me around after all. Here's to another month for you. I'm sorry I wont be around to see it.
We stood on the precipice of something truly beautiful. We had a connection that was surprising, and electric. Deeper than I have ever felt. It shook me completely out of a haze I had been stuck in for longer than I could even say. I had not even realized how frozen I'd become until you came into my life. You crashed in, unapologetic. Full of energy, but also so much pain. Your initial kindness and warmth enraptured me, your honesty and your affection were soothing balms I did not realize I desperately needed. It was like being saved from bleeding out, only no one had told me I was wounded.
As I grew to know you more, and our connection formed, I obviously saw the truths you were trying to hide. The struggles you couldn't quite mask. You shared them with me, eventually. When I offered you space to be open you took it. When you volunteered something I didn't expect I'd try to show you that you were safe. I wanted you to have a place in your life to be truly safe. And for a while I felt like I could provide this space for you.
Even through all of the chaos and turmoil throughout both of our lives, our bond continued to form and grow. We spent so much of our time just talking and sharing ourselves with one another. I felt like I truly had a friend again. Someone I could trust. Someone I could depend on if I needed support. It didn't matter that my life was complicated. It didn't matter that your life was complicated. We shared everything we could with each other, knowing the other person had our backs.
You were the first person to say I love you. I initially didn't react, I wasn't sure if you'd meant it or were just being silly. But then you said it again. And again. And I had to deal with the realization that I had fallen in love with you too. Truly I had. I hadn't meant to. I hadn't planned on it. I'd only really wanted to be good to you, just someone you could rely on. But I couldn't deny that I felt it too, and as you trusted me with your feelings, I gave in and trusted you with mine. I gave you my heart, completely unguarded, and trusted you to take care of it.
And for a while, you did. You treated me with respect, you treated our feelings like they meant something to you. You stayed open and honest even through nasty spots in your life. And I felt every bit of our connection, I could FEEL it. Even in your toughest moments I couldn't wait to spend more time with you, I loved you so much. More than I thought would be possible.
Then, you slowly started to change. Your anxiety and your fear began to make you question...everything. You joined a long list of people in my life who questioned my own condition, the literal pain I have to deal with every day just to exist on this planet. You apologized later, but you never acted like you trusted me again after that point. You questioned whether my feelings were genuine, or whether I'd simply relaxed into the idea of being in love with someone. Whether I was so desperate for love I'd settle for someone like you?
Well forgive me, but that's rude. I didn't see a problem with you. You HAVE problems. Everyone does. But I never once saw how that invalidates you or makes you less worthy of anything I had to share. Those were thoughts you put into your own head. And you disrespect how I feel about you completely when you act like I would need to be desperate to settle for anyone. There was no settling. People are worthy of love. Difficult people to love...are still worth love.
All I wanted to do was love you. And I trusted YOU when YOU TOLD ME you loved me. And I shared that love with you as earnestly as I could and it caused you to become suspicious of me? Then you told me you didn't want this deep of a connection anymore, that it was something you didn't want to focus on with your life going the way that it was. It wasn't about me. It was about you. And the chaos going on in your life.
You shut me out. You had invited me into your world, then you built a fortress around yourself and told me to go stand outside. And I did. Because I love you. Because I'd rather be a part of your life, than not have you in mine. And you continued to completely disrespect how I feel about you, even though this was something I'd never sought to start in the first place.
You stopped talking to me in front of other people. You used to message me anytime, anywhere. Then I noticed you stopped talking to me in front of your family. In front of your ex for sure. Spending more time with them, even after what they've done to you. Sharing yourself with people you don't even trust, while you tell me that we shouldn't be sharing with each other anymore because it's too much for you.
There is only so much disrespect I am willing to take before it becomes clear to me that this was one sided. Whatever love you had for me was either extremely short lived, or it was motivated by struggles you aren't currently experiencing anymore. Trauma bonding, I think you called it? Sure. Let's go with that. I guess you think it's better that I know you'd rather apparently share some of yourself for money than with someone who actually wanted your love and a deeper connection with you. Not to mention the fact that you were willing to sit there while I was in pain and do nothing, under the guise that it made you uncomfortable, only to find out that that was obviously not true.
I have no idea why you'd choose to tell me the truth only to unveil that you were lying to me. I don't know if you didn't put that together or if you thought it wouldn't make me feel completely worthless. You sat there and watched me in misery and told me you couldn't help me and then sold yourself for money. I am worth less to you, than a person you do not trust...
There really is only one way to take that kind of thing, isn't there? I didn't mean to offend you by loving you. I wasn't trying to be some kind of a creep. You started this. And then decided you didn't want it. All I ever did was try to be good to you. But I'm not gonna stand here and let you hurt me because I dared to love you.
You spoke all the time, about the importance of choosing where to spend your energy. We only get a certain amount per day, and we only get a nonspecified amount of days. Best to spend it on people who will appreciate it, and on activities that being your life joy. You ALSO talked about the importance of doing the right thing, even when said thing is difficult or taxing. You also made sure to drill in how important it was for us to spread good out into the world however we could.
The problem, is that some of these beliefs completely collide with one another on occasion. And you are no longer HERE to help me untangle any of this. I know good and well there are people in my life who absolutely benefit from my kindness, who do not appreciate me as a whole. The energy I give them still aids them, they just don't acknowledge or appreciate it. And if the energy is not being appreciated, I should stop handing it to them, as per your original instruction.
Would that not also be selfish? Wouldn't I essentially be changing who I want to be, because I am not receiving anything in return? Or is it more important to protect oneself from people who take but don't appreciate or give back? I understand I am not an unlimited pool of resources, if I just allowed people to take indefinitely I'd have nothing left. I get that.
But how are you supposed to make a call when someone is...trying but failing? What if someone wanted to appreciate you, but they absolutely couldn't figure out how to do that? What if I could tell that was the case, that the disconnect I feel is from an inner battle they are fighting? You don't ever know when someone really could use a person in their corner, on their side, do we just avoid being that for people who are difficult to love?
Where is the goddamn line?! Is it just up to me now? How were you able to ever decide who should and shouldn't receive your focus? Most people have it in them to really shine and become someone amazing. I believe that. I also know that I cannot be the catalyst for every person who is struggling, even if I had the wherewithal. Not everyone is going to get along regardless of how much goodness you have to put out there.
So how did you find the line? How were you so good at taking care of people, while taking care of yourself? Because I know you. I know you were happy and content. I know you didn't let all this weight drag onto your soul. I know you didn't feel like you were constantly drowning.
You make me feel like a sham sometimes. I know you'd absolutely hate to hear that. But you do. I remember the kindness and the warmth you so openly shared, and I just wish I could live up to that without having to constantly worry that I'm being taken for granted. I am just here. I am just the one that does this.
I guess you'd ask me what I would want to happen, then? Truthfully I suppose that's part of the problem. I don't know anymore, really? Do I care if anyone ever notices the effort I put forth for them? Does it matter if I receive nothing in return? I didn't choose to be good because I was getting something out of it. I choose to be good because it feels like the right thing to do to me. I feel the most whole, when I take care of others. But lately I can see why you put so much emphasis on making sure it goes to the right people.