It all started at the end of 2024. My period became more and more irregular, and after two years of pausing I finally went back to see a gynecologist. He said, well, it’s probably just stress, but we’ll run a few tests. It turned out that I had HPV. I then had to undergo a tissue biopsy. Thankfully, it wasn’t cancer. There were various treatment attempts afterward, but my body tends to react very paradoxically to all kinds of medications, and one vaginal suppository ended up causing patchy hair loss on the head for me. So I started treating myself using shamanism, inner journeys, yoni steaming, herbs, essential oils, and baths; and I actually managed to completely overcome the HPV within about two months. A second tissue sample was taken, and it showed that everything was gone. The HPV was gone and I had also had inflammation in my cervix caused by the HPV. That was completely gone as well. Everything had healed.
I felt hopeful that my period would return to normal, but since November 2025, nothing has come at all. I didn’t feel well taken care of by my gynecologist, so I switched to a female gynecologist in a private practice. After just a few seconds of ultrasound, she said I had a large number of cysts on my ovaries, so I have PCOS. That explained a lot.
Ten years ago, I had already seen a gynecologist because I was developing more and more thick, dark hair on my chest and the backs of my thighs. I also have some hair on my chin. It doesn’t bother me that much. There are days when the hair on my chest and around my nipples is really hard to tolerate, but my partner doesn’t mind it at all and I try to lean on that.
Since I now know that I have PCOS, many of my symptoms finally make sense. In the past, for the length of two years, I would faint on the second day of my period because the pain was so severe. No painkiller helped. No doctor took it seriously, everyone just said, “that’s just how it is.”
This March, I was able to trigger a bleed once by taking progesterone. But no cycle followed, so I haven’t had any bleeding since.
Right now, my major problem is that my immune system is completely worn down by these inflammations. I can actually feel when a cyst ruptures, it’s extremely painful and sometimes brings me close to fainting. And the inflammation that follows basically destroys my immune system, and I’m constantly sick.
In February, I was in bed for three weeks with an upper respiratory infection. Two weeks ago I was sick again for a week with another upper respiratory infection and even had to take antibiotics. And now I’m lying here again and I don’t even know what it is. Everything hurts: my head, my joints, my entire spine. My lower abdomen causes severe pain, yesterday I nearly fainted and I also have diarrhea. I don’t know maybe another cyst has ruptured, or something else.
And I’m just so tired of all of this. On top of that, I’ve been in a program for three years with psychotherapy every two weeks for eating disorders and how to deal with them. And I swear, I’ve never had such a good diet as I do now. Besides walking my dog for two to three hours every day, I also work out five times a week. And still, I weigh more than I ever have in my life.
And the strange thing is, I don’t really have a lot of fat on most parts of my body. My legs are quite slim, my arms are relatively defined but my stomach is just monstrous. And when I see myself from the side in a reflection, I find myself deeply repulsive. I don’t know what else to do. I’ve cut out soft drinks because I noticed they don’t agree with my body. As a result, I also barely eat sweets anymore because sugar just tastes overwhelmingly sweet to me now. We eat meat at most twice a week, and we cook at home every day except one. I prepare meals for work and make sure everything is balanced, healthy and suited to my lifestyle. And I’m just exhausted. I pay attention to everything, sometimes drive myself crazy over it and my weight just keeps going up.
It was already so embarrassing in therapy. I kept saying every time, “yes, I managed this, I improved that, I cut this out, I feel better, I eat better,” and so on. And still, I step on the scale and my weight is higher again. I even stopped emotional eating.
I don’t know, will this ever come to an end...?!