I want to preface by saying it’s not exactly the same bc every abusive relationship is different.
I went over to an old friend’s place that I hadn’t seen in years last night, he reached out saying things were crazy and he needed to talk about it. Come to find out I hadn’t seen him because his gf (now ex) made him block and delete every female contact in his phone, calling it a “boundary” (same thing happened to me with my abusive ex bf)
We get a bottle of wine, we catch up, we’ve known each other for a decade but we had three whole years to catch up on, it was wonderful. He fills me in that his ex does coke and gets wild and possessive. I’m so proud of him for leaving.
TW for what follows:
Around 12/1/2 am (was not paying attention to the time) there’s a knock at the door. Then again. And again and again and again. She’s there. She’s yelling, pleading, saying he’s making it so much worse. He has to stay silent, I have to stay silent. Make them think you’re asleep. Make them think you can’t hear them. The exact same thing happened to me 6 years ago.
She eventually leaves but that only permits him to finally sob aloud as one needs to after that kind of ordeal. It broke my fckn heart, because I love him, and because that was me, and the me now wishes I could go back and hold the me then the same way I held my dear, beautiful friend.
This morning she showed back up just at the time he’d have to leave for work, he engaged (because he had to go to work and it would’ve taken half an hour+ to wait her out) and I had to sit silently in his apartment while they fought, then he accessed his car and drove off, waited 20 minutes for her to leave, then he came back to escort me out of his apartment.
I am asking not only for tips on how to help him, but also how to grapple with this myself. I wish I would’ve had a person like me when it was happening to me. I am honestly proud of him but also proud of myself for how I handled it and supported him, but I fear I may be masking the events’ impact on me. For context I have had two double Bloody Marys before noon and have not stopped swiveling back and forth on the barstool since I began writing this post.
I want to be there for him. I want to hang out with him. I do not want to conflate his experience with my own but the overlap is there, and I certainly do not want to make his pain about me. Wtf do I do