This might be a bit odd, but I'm really trying to figure out and schizoaffective is the closest anyone could give me so I just wanna know if people feel this. I know it wont be a diagnosis obviously, but maybe this'll help me find out other possible things to rule out with my doctor, because I didnt always used to be this way, I used to be fine with just lexapro, but now im here and I'm terrified.
Ive hit a point in my life where ive started having what might be psychotic symptoms but im not sure because i never used to experience these things. I already know I'm bipolar 1, but I keep hearing my dog and hes been gone for a while, i hear my name being called, i hear laughter and footsteps when everyone around me is asleep.
I havent been able to do anything in a while because I have the imaginary audience and I feel like everything i do is gonna get them to laugh at me, I cant clean my room, take showers, eat food, or do anything on my phone unless I hide under a blanket out of fear of grossing out people who arent even there.
I'm doing things I would never do, I'm becoming volatile, everything sets me off, and I feel like everything my family does is against me, like theyre doing it just to drive me nuts and its working. Sometimes I feel like everything my siblings do is to prop themselves up and make me look bad when they arent even interacting with me, they could just be laughing together. I scream-yell at people a lot now. I know consciously that thats not whats happening, but its just tearing away at me no matter how aware I am.
I'm really scared. Not even of my surroundings, but of my brain. Like I feel like I could hurt someone and I dont want to, but its like my brain wont leave me alone and it makes my body move on its own to do things I dont want to do, like im just watching my life happen in front of me instead of living it. And I keep having to look behind me at random intervals even though all thats behind me usually is a wall because I can't leave my room without feeling wrong.
But yeah, I just need to know from people who do know they have schizoaffective, does this resonate?