Will it always just be "fine" for me to think of you? to wonder where we would be now if we stayed together any longer?
would we have tore eachother apart? would I have fallen out of love? I'm not sure. For all I know you made my light just a bit brighter, my routines more bearable, and the weight I had in my chest feel more supported. But I would've never known if it would've lasted forever.
I'm a different person now. I'm far better mentally, and I'm making my way through the world. I want to learn French and japanese, I want to learn tennis and play it with friends, and I'm going back to college. I'm thinking of uploading videos of myself playing video games, therefore finally making my childhood dream come true.
There are so many things I want to do, and a part of me wishes you could see how fulfilled I feel now. I want to celebrate my new ambition with you - and hold your hand into oblivion, despite the waves of anger I feel sometimes with your absence. You've let me linger without ever even knowing what ripple you've made in my life - and it kills me to not reach out just to ask if I've made an impact on yours.
Is it fine to linger with the things you left at my house? to think about sending them back in a hand written letter everyday? to secretly hope to see you in public just walking by, even with a new girlfriend? I've done everything to make sure I just live passively as a memory; I don't stir, I don't bark, I dont cause drama. I just exist.
As much as I despise it, I wish you were still here. I want to move on but my brain won't let me. It's like my soul is tied on a thin thread and I'm holding blunt scissors that only fray it. The pain is substantial, it almost consumes me. That's why I still wonder i guess. As if a part of my heart will always be there, With the memory of you holding me. I guess after everything, the heart cannot change without shedding a few sacrifices.