so today i had therapy.
an hour of me sitting there like “i’m not really trying to get into my trauma like that”
and her being like “no baby… we’re getting INTO it.”
and yeah. that’s pretty much all we do now.
she’s like my 5th or 6th therapist at this point and for some reason… this one stuck. which is annoying because now i actually have to be honest.
anyway. today was the first time i said something out loud that i’ve literally told no one.
not even my mom.
okay… i did tell my mom. she’s the only one.
(for context: my mom is… very spiritual. like all-knowing, conspiracy-adjacent, rewrites-history type spiritual. we’ll unpack that later.)
but yeah. i told my therapist i’ve been having a full blown spirituality / faith crisis for like… the past 1–2 years.
and once i said it out loud i was like
oh. cool. this is real.
some backstory because clearly this didn’t come out of nowhere.
my mom’s side is Jewish. my dad’s side is Catholic.
so growing up we did both. hanukkah and christmas.
and then at some point they were like “you have to choose.”
and i was like… be serious.
more presents AND santa? i’m going christmas.
so that choice i made at 7… like a totally rational child… somehow turned into me going fully into catholicism.
i went to catholic school for 7 years. (bullies. obviously.)
and then high school hits, we switch to public school, and suddenly my mom is like… not catholic anymore.
she starts getting into crystals, tarot, oracle cards… all of it.
and looking back, i think she just didn’t have a reason to be catholic anymore. like that chapter closed and she needed something else to believe in.
and honestly? i followed her.
because i wanted to feel close to her.
and that was something we could share.
fast forward to now and i’m sitting in therapy like
what do i actually believe in?
because for the past two years i’ve felt this weird… pull?
like i should read the bible again. go to church. get closer to God.
but at the same time… i feel just as pulled to tarot and oracle cards.
and i know how that sounds.
like i can hear myself talking and i’m like okay girl… pick a side.
because technically you’re not supposed to do both.
one of them is “wrong.” one of them is “the devil.” whatever.
and i think that’s what’s messing with me.
not even what i believe… but what i’ve been told i’m allowed to believe.
because here’s the part i don’t really say out loud:
i feel like i’m actually good at tarot.
like there’s something there for me.
and now i’m like … did i just say that? cool.
but also… what if this pull toward God is real too?
what if i’m supposed to go back to that?
what if it would make my life better?
because i see those girls on tiktok. you know the ones.
soft voice, bible in hand, life looks perfect, everything is aligned.
and i’m sitting here like
what am i missing?
so i say all of this to my therapist.
and she just looks at me and goes
“why can’t you have both?”
and i’m like
because there are RULES???
like hello??? that’s illegal???
(which is funny because apparently i don’t break rules casually. i go straight to getting arrested. twice. but that’s a story for another day.)
but yeah.
so if anyone else is out here feeling like they’re being pulled in two completely different directions and pretending they’re fine…
same.
let’s figure it out i guess.