u/Aggravating_Car5522

I decided to start eating 1kg of dill everyday for nutrition. when I have my dill meal it's almost like I get ecstatic, it's the best thing I just can't stop laughing and tripping and bothering my family after a while of having eaten it, does that happen to any of you guys? I also have ecstatic epilepsy and it's almost like the same thing after both, just so happy and unserious, not asking for advice I'm supposed to talk to a nutritionist on that just thought it's interesting and maybe some relate since I haven't met anyone that relates

I always get asked why don't you kill yourself, I saw a bs answer, "I don't see meaning in neither death nor life" but I've had Ecstatic Epilepsy/ Dostoevsky's Epilepsy for about 2 years now, I used to get it about once a week, after my first sezuire I felt like I just knew some things, like immediately after it I left islam and became a Nihilist but I was so happy, each time I feel the seizures "aura" it's so beautiful, a feeling of being the highest possible consciousness, being one with the universe, feeling of bliss and mystical experience, and I feel like I grab the secret truths and meaning to the universe but it's so huge my brain can't comprehend it and I lose consciousness, ever since, I've been extremely happy, I didn't see a point in doing anything because it'd never come 1% close to the happiness I feel when I get the seizures, I've been taking medication and I haven't had one in 2 months, and it feels like I have nothing to live for, I don't value my life or anything, but I feel like I know that my seizures are the last thing I have that might actually be meaningful or have value, we all want our experiences and things that happen to us to have meaning, even if it means dying just to have a meaningful thing in this meaningless life.

so what do you guys think I should do, Try and lower the medication to have just enough seizures or live the rest of my life knowing the happiest moment of my life has already passed and I have nothing to look forward to except pain and suffering.