I'm asexual and I have disgusting intrusive thoughts , possibly have pure ocd bc I'm suffering mentally, and nobody takes me seriously. Need advice:(
So, I'm 19 years old and 2 years ago I discovered I was asexual, meaning not having sexual attraction. I've come out to few people,but nobody accepts me for who I am, even my best friend was shocked at first but then she got used to it. Everybody in college is already dating,in relationships, most talk only about sex etc and I feel like something is wrong with me bc I don't fit anywhere and nobody in my life has ever shown me romantic interest. The last few days, my anxiety got worse, but since January 2026 I keep having intrusive thoughts ,but the last two weeks I can't bear it, I do mental rituals and compulsions like replaying memories in my head to see if I actually did the thing I thought,looking for answers on the internet, constantly wondering what that means about me, not trusting myself bc what if I actually did it and don't remember?? My intrusive thoughts involve themes like harming someone, sexual thoughts about myself or strangers I look at,pedophilia and i feel terrible guilt for having them. For example, yesterday an image popped in my head that I was kissing a bus station and that means I am weird and a pervert, or that bc i looked at an object, my bag ,that means I am sexually attracted to it??! Or the what ifs: what if I am a lesian and I don't know it ( spoiler: I'm not, I'm straight), etc. So 3 days ago, I mentioned them to my therapist, and she told me that maybe they're secret desires ,the sexual intrusive thoughts ,when in reality they're not! I'm pissed because of that and don't know if I should continue telling her things. Yesterday,i visited my psychiatrist after 3 months,and I told him that I suffer from the intrusive thoughts and he gave me a medication for OCD , without officially diagnosing me. I don't know what to do, bc 2 days ago it was so bad I wanted to relapse ( to SH) after 2 whole months bc I wanted to die bc I thought I was a pedophile and a terrible person. I'm scared what this means about me or if I should go forward with the OCD diagnosis , it makes me feel like there is one more thing wrong with me . I already have Autism, Depression and Anxiety (disgnosed). I don't want to tell my best friend, I'm scared she'll look at me differently, and my parents make fun of me for even talking about it. Also I'm scared that if I talk about it, it will stop being real!! What should I do?? Am i faking it?? Anyone have some advice?!!