u/AfraidPassenger3386

I am a teenager, and changed schools, and there is this guy from a different class that really pisses me off.

Every interaction with him makes me angrier at him, the only interactions we have is him making fun of me, or he asks me for money. The thing that makes me hate him the most is the fact that he talks bad and makes fun of me, one of my classmates is his friend and he told this to me. Every time I pass through the hallway his class all look funny at me and silently laugh.

Sometimes i catch them looking at me laughing, i once even catched one of my classmates laughing with them....

Its so fucking frustrating, and the way he talks, the way he walks, the way he treats others makes me sick, he thinks hes better, he thinks he owns the place.

Even when i think i forgave them, he makes something again and i just get even madder.

How can i forgive him?

I dont know if this is the devil doing this in me, or if im just dumb. But i am always confused, insecure, unsure. Im unsure about my faith, insecure about my salvaton, confused about my love for God.... I never know what to do, and even when i do the simple things, read the bible or pray, i feel like its pointless, like there is no hope. No matter how many videos i see, no matter how many post i make, how many comments i read, i am always confused, angry frustrated at God, salvation in particular its the thing that confuses me the most, even when i was reading everyday, preaching, fasting, i still couldnt feel saved.

And if i didnt feel saved when i did those everyday, well there is no chance in the universe i am saved now, i sin in almost my every action, it has become my personality, it has become me, there are people i haven't been able to forgive, i can tell myself i forgave them, but deep down i know i didnt, i am full of sexual imorality, with porn and masturbation. Heck i dont even know if i have true faith in Jesus, i get angry extremely easily, i am very impulsive, i dont like talking to God i feel awkward when doing it, i dont fully trust God, i live more in my head than in real life, i am full of judgement, i cant concentrate on God, the thing that mainly attracts me to God is fear of hell, i feel no shame after sinning, i am full of self pity, i am a coward, afraid to share the word and stand out when i see people being treated badly, i repent the same sins over and over again, but always come back to them, i am childish, selfish, i dont like opening up to God, i dont like talking to him, i dont think my love for God is real. Sometimes i feel so angry and frustrated i just dont even wanna be saved no more and just ignore God.

Its just sin after sin, each one worse than the other, i just feel like giving up and i havnt even started.

My head, is a complete utter fucking mess, all types of pleasures, of hate, pride, all types of sin and insecurity. I dont even know what i am really fealing right now.

And this is just a tiny persentage of me, i am full, complete, i have been made in sin.

And for some reason i never know whats truly good, what i should do.

There is more to this than just read and pray right? Thats what frustrates me so much, and makes me so angry at God, it makes me so confsed, what could there be more? And how do i get that, is it a prayer, somehting to do what is it?

I just cant understand it.

What is it?