u/AffectionateSale4553

Im so sorry for what I said about Dan I'm so embarrassed about it and I will never do that ever again I was high as shit and I thought it was so funny I can't believe I said that and I'm so sorry I don't know if Dan reads the posts here but I'm so disgusted I hope he didn't see it because I felt so dirty reading it after I know it was too far and I can't imagine how I would feel if somebody said that to me and the worst part is I feel like I was half joking like I have talked about this before I do really like Dan and I am sexually attracted to him I deleted the post I will never say anything like that ever again I'm so sorry that I made you guys uncomfortable because of my stupid self I'm so fucked up in the head because I really do feel that way about Dan I want him to be my partner so bad and its so unfair that I will never be his lover I know he was made for me I am so fucking depressed and lonely I can't take living like this anymore. I'm such a degenerate piece of shit I've tried so many times to find a boyfriend but it never works out I think I'm attractive because I get the most attention from the boys at school but it never goes anywhere because of my social anxiety I can't handle going outside in public because my anxiety is so bad and I've always had it but it keeps getting worse I feel like I'm going to die it hurts so much to stay alive I don't even know how it got this bad I have been depressed for six years and I've barely gone a day without thinking about killing myself I tried to kill myself three years ago with my dad's nail gun but right before I was about to shoot myself I started crying hysterically and woke up my entire family and all I could say was sorry I felt so guilty I and I promised to never attempt suicide again but here I am the same as always I dont even know why I feel so bad all the time I'm so ashamed of myself that I'm subconscious about breathing because it reminds my I'm still alive and I feel guilty about that and I hate that I just want to go to sleep forever why can't that happen I hate myself so much and I think everyone else does too I think my entire family hates me too I don't know but they have every reason to I'm so depressed that it feels hard to even breathe it's so hard to explain it and I don't even know if anybody can relate to me I am so sick of being alone I feel like nobody wants me and maybe that is just how I will die alone and never getting to experience love and this is where my obsession with Dan started because I found his videos enjoyable because I found him cute funny and relatable mainly his depressed rant videos I felt so seen by them and it gave me a lot of comfort to know I wasn't alone like that I started obsessing over him like I felt like he was my boyfriend I would put his videos on and pretend we're eating dinner together I know that's so paradoxical and gross but it's true I started seeing Dan as my actual boyfriend and then when the videos were over it genuinely felt so strange like my fantasy was completely gone and now I have to deal with my fucking shit life I'm so sorry to Dan for saying all of this. If ur reading this I won't ever say that again Ige always been lonely too I'm never really made any friends because I'm so scared to talk to anyone I've only ever made two friends in school but that's only because they're also socially awkward weirdo it just sucks so much all of this sucks and I'm so tired of waking up every morning knowing I'm doing all of this work just to still be unhappy and I don't think I'll ever be happy I try so hard it's been six fucking years since I've felt genuine happiness I can't describe in words how much dread I feel I know that my birth was a mistake it must've been because I feel like I don't belong in this planet I'm so fucking miserable that as soon as I wake up I just want to go right back to sleep the only thing I look forward to after the day is over is knowing I can fall asleep and die for eight hours as if none of my problems even existed in the first place I don't even know what to do I am so scared to die and I promised my family I'd never attempt again but it's so hard to keep living when I have no reason to but I could never do that to my family I love them so fucking much and they don't deserve to see me dead on the ground It makes me physically sick whenever I try to watch any of Dan's videos because of how much of a freak I am all I can think about is how fucking gross I am he's a fucking stranger and doesn't even know I exist yet here I am obsessing over him I don't know if I even want to be a part of this community and watch his videos anymore it makes everything worse and I feel like so disgusted by myself I just want to be happy that's all I've wanted for the last six years