I had a dream last night. It was a crazy dream. But in the end after waiting and waiting for you, you showed up. You got on one knee and said that when I was ready, you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me.
We were on a cruise in the dream. After you said that, we couldn't hold back any more and couldn't keep our hands and mouths off of each other. It was amazing.
If only this were reality..
Dear E,
Idk why we can't be open when we text each other.
Why haven't you invited me out anymore? Are you no longer interested in me? But you will randomly text me every so often. I guess you're not.
I miss kissing you tbh. Those were my favorite moments. So much passion. Being close to you. We used to see each other every week or sometimes even 2-3 times a week in the fall. I enjoyed listening to music/karaoke with you, walking and talking with you whether at night or while exercising, the car rides together, watching movies, eating out (even if it was just pastries), figuring stuff out together, laughing at the same stuff, having the same sense of humor, understanding the depth of music, planning stuff together, our love for kitties, me watching you put stuff together for me, learning about each other, learning how to open up with each other all while learning how to trust again... realizing how we basically are the same person with different experiences. Me always complimenting you on all that you have done. I always meant it. I love how strong and independent we both are and I'm so fucking proud of everything you've accomplished. I know that you're not told this enough and I know that you've been hurt so much, but it's true; I am proud of you (I rarely say these things to others tbh). I have no reason to want to hurt you. Why would I? I don't have time nor the energy for games. I love how you dedicate yourself to your club and to your passions. I love your ambition. It's hot. It's admirable. I love it. I can go on and on if you'd like. I wish we could talk on the phone at night so that I can tell you these things.
I know that I'm going through a lot myself, and maybe that's why you don't want to see me anymore. Maybe I'm too intense for you. Maybe it's everything I'm going through. I understand. I really was starting to envision some kind of future with you. I really want to help you be the best that you can be. You're such an amazing person whether you believe it or not. I just want us to continue to grow. It's who I am and you've said I've helped you. I don't want to stop. We're also both understanding and smart and supportive, but maybe you're looking for something else and that's understandable. Of course, this makes me sad and of course I'd be willing to wait for you. You are what I want. I want you and I want to be with you. I'd be willing to wait for you because I've already known you before. You're still in there. The silly, kind, sweetheart is still there. As time passes, we just get so used to protecting our hearts and become afraid of letting anyone in again. I believe that you can write me a letter again. I believe in you.
Or, maybe I'm wrong about all of this. Maybe I misread everything. Maybe you don't have an interest in me. Maybe I'm just another regular girl in your eyes.
I just wish we could be together and I'm not sure you want that. I never said it'd be easy, but I believe in trying if it ultimately makes you happy.
God, if I knew that you wanted to be with me right now, it would definitely change my outlook in life. Idk. Maybe I should just forget about you. I don't want to, but maybe it's what you want.
Anywho, I miss you, and I miss your tallness, your cute smile, your beautiful little eyes, and YOU.
Take care my dear. Hope to see you soon.
-Je'taime (maybe)