Update:
https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/9JhMma8Dvy
Summary: My (56M) wife (60f) cheated on me 15 years ago with a high school friend. She admitted to the affair 9 months ago when I saw a post that he was in prison (DWI he killed or seriously injured someone). I was reminded of how quickly their friendship ended 14 years ago and always suspected, but she always denied. I asked her again and told her I can't and won't stop asking her until she tells me. She admitted it and wrote me a 122 page timeline including all of their text messages and sexual details( bad messages she admitted were deleted years ago )
I've been in therapy for 5 months but I'm about to start working with a new therapist. He doesn't do much to help regarding the affair or the trauma thereafter. We mainly just talk about my week, my struggles with my traumatic past, etc. it's really a crap shoot to find a good therapist I'm finding.
Marriage counseling was a big mistake. I fired her after the 3rd session. She also wouldn't talk about the affair, and only spoke about how I needed to understand my failures in the marriage (which I no doubt had). Most of the marriage counseling was about conflict resolution and communication which I know I need help with but it's just not where I'm at.
I've pretty much given up any professional understanding of what I am going through and trying to help me with getting my mind right so for the most part, I'm doing it on my own. I've been reading a lot, joined a men's group for betrayed husbands and changed jobs from working at home to working back out of the house. I work out several times a week and find any reason I can to not be in the home.
She has stuck with her story and denied enjoying the sex. She swears they only had sex 5 times, 2 times he couldn't get it up, 2 times he finished too fast and one time they got caught by his sister so they had to stop. All 5 times was missionary only. I know, I don't believe it either but she won't budge. This denial has resulted in me not being able to move forward in any meaningful way. I know BS when I smell it. FYI, her AP died in prison last month from brain cancer. I've never been upset at him as I know if it wasn't him, it would have been someone else.
All in all, I would describe my emotions as feeling numb. We don't really speak about the affair, although I think about it every day. I've lost a bunch of weight and deal with daily depression (I've never been depressed before)
I'm pretty much her caregiver now. She's taken up smoking again. Her drinking is better (she started drinking 7 years ago after our youngest son passed away). She has an immune disease that keeps her pretty sick, we have been in and out of the hospital 4 times this year.
We rarely have sex. I have a high sex drive but not really into her in that way anymore. Every once in a while, I give in but regret it right after. It's very uncomfortable as I don't really have those same romantic feelings like I used to and I'm sure she feels used.
To be clear, I do love her. I take care of her, I make sure she has everything she needs and for the most part, provide whatever she wants. I cook dinner most nights, clean the kitchen after, and do my chores around the house every weekend. When she feels good, she does her part as well. But her healthcare costs do not allow me to sit on my heals. My previous job paid well and I was only working 30 hours per week, somewhat retired in that it wasn't much work. My current job pays almost double but is 60-70 hours per week. I now have incredible health insurance that helps immensely.
I know I should probably leave but with her condition, I can't bring myself to do it. FYI, she also attempted to have sex with one of my friends in 2003 then got fired in 2008 by sexually harassing a coworker. Both men informed me. I stayed as both of our children were diagnosed high functioning autistic. I thought it would be best for them to have their family. I couldn't bring myself to taking that from them.
All in all, I feel like a loser and am just buying time until I level off enough emotionally to make a decision. I'm pretty destroyed, don't feel like much of a man, and have learned how to fake it every day. I just feel like a fraud. This that know me think I have it all. Nice cars, beautiful home, and vacations. I'm well respected in my industry, mentor numerous people in my field, and often perform public speaking engagements. If they only knew!