My wife (f36) and I (m33) are just straight up roommates now, despite 10 years together, 8 years married. We have a 7 year old kid together and since the day they were born I lost my wife. She's just not the person I married anymore.
I spent a decade in the military and met her towards the end, married after I got out, got pregnant after being married, so no scandal or anything. We're from different countries, and to keep her comfortable I gave up everything, My family, my job, the country I fought for, to live with her in her country. Learning her culture, learning her language, becoming part of her family (my mil/fil/bil love me to death). She works part time and does photography as a side business. I do the overwhelming majority of household work, despite what she'd want you believe. Cook, clean, laundry, lunches, cleaning up her messes because the kid gave her squirrel brain and she can't complete a singular task anymore, anything the kid needs. I, without question or hesitation will take care of our kid, alone, when she gets a shoot for a destination wedding for a week. I give her unquestionable trust, letting her be alone in other countries with people I don't know, never once challenging her faithfulness.
We've been together through her medical roller coaster; stage 4 endometriosis. I helped every bit I could through multiple of her surgeries, specially when she had a resection and needed an ileostomy bag (I had prior experience with assisted living and am very familiar with cleaning/changing ileostomy/colostomy bags). She's let her body go a bit between the health issues and kid which is COMPLETELY reasonable, and I tell her every single day how much I love her body, and how much she turns me on. I've never once said a bad thing about how she looks because honestly she's gotten more attractive to me after putting on a little weight. I never even knew I was so attracted to mom bods until I saw hers. Not that she's particularly insecure about her body, I just like reassuring her.
Despite everything I try to do for her, sex has completely fallen off a cliff. We went from having sex in the car, on the beach at the lake( getting my ass cheeks bitten by ants 🤣), in the elevator, out in the woods, every opportunity to put my hands on her, to just... Nothing. Empty promises during the day, that I know will never happen but still let myself get worked up about, just end in rejecting the following night. the occasional completely passionless pity sex, maybe once every few months, not even birthdays or romantic holidays. It honestly feels like she just does it to keep me hanging around at this point... She made a comment at one point that she doesn't do oral anymore because I don't do oral: I stopped because she said she was uncomfortable with it. Every chance I got for about a year following that comment I made a point to focus on her and do oral for her before ever worrying about my own pleasure, nothing changed and she eventually told me again that she was uncomfortable with it so I stopped.
I've tried multiple times every 6 months or so, since the kid turned 5, to calmly and neutrally ,and with no blame, explain to her that physical connection and sexual passion are very important to me, and that I feel like I need that physical contact to maintain my emotional connection with her. Even so far as to write out what I want to say to her so that I can clearly summarize my feelings and that she can read it at her own pace and we can talk through any translation errors. (She speaks excellent English, people even comment on how they thought she was a native English speaker at first). Despite my efforts to be as supportive and neutral as possible, she inevitably agrees, says she wants the same thing but nothing ever changes.
I'm honestly just fuckin hurting now. From the moment I wake up to the moment I sleep I'm just constantly thinking about her, and how much I fucking miss my wife. I don't need advice, I've read all the same bullshit and double standards you could imagine from other dead bedroom posts. I just need to say it out loud, if you could call this out loud. It kills me knowing I've somehow managed to fuck myself into something I can't undo, and with no end in sight. I'm incredibly patient and analytical, but I'm struggling more and more every day to not say something more, to not put pressure on her, to not feel like I'm fucking begging. Struggling to not be resentful of the situation she's left me in, not be resentful of the kid for doing this to my wife (I love my child unconditionally, but man they really fucked my wife up). I feel abandoned.
Everything I read tells me it's my fault and that I need to do more to support her and take a load off her and that nothings transactional. But if nothings transactional then shouldn't everything I do for her be enough? The hypocrisy of it infuriates me. The amount of my life I have given up to support her and what she wants. encouraging her photography hobby every step of the way until she started making multiple thousands from a single 8 hour wedding as an actual Business, I told her from day one that should could do it and supported every decision she made for it. the dreams I can't pursue in her country, the effort I instill to be a part of it. All of it, and I'm stuck in a roommate marriage and the whole world wants me to think that it's solely my burden and there's no blame to be put on her because she's the mother, she has the hardest job. And regardless of anyones opinion or input, nothing will change. I get to just sit here and fucking suffer.
I'm sad.
I miss my fucking wife.
edit: we have what I believe is a very good home/parenting relationship, we work very well together, and I have no doubt our kid is happy.