Rest Of Family Trapped Due To Family Member’s Alcoholism
Hey all. I’m not sure what to do. I’m looking for practical solutions as I have tried everything.
(We live in Scotland, UK.)
I live at home (F, 30- yes, I know) with my parents and two younger siblings. The oldest of the two was diagnosed with autism from nursery. The youngest is attending High School.
I currently have a part time job in a local shop and struggle with those hours (12 hours a week) as it is. I’m significantly depressed and have lived with symptoms such as paranoia, episodes I would relate to bipolar, depression, severe panic attacks, autistic tendencies however everytime I attend the GP for support they give me a non-solution. I don’t see myself doing anything with my life as I have zero motivation and frankly would have hospitalised myself if I did not have to be there for my brothers.
But this is just context about me as I live with this situation and just deal with it.
My father is an alcoholic. He lives with painful medical issues and has told me he medicates himself with alcohol as anything that would deal with the pain would mean he would be unable to work at his job. He has been verbally abusive primarily whenever we approach him about his issue but (as far as I know) has NEVER hit anyone or broken anything. I feel like this is important to point out, regardless how I feel in the moment.
Mum also works but my dad brings in the most money with his job, without his income, we would get by but be less comfortable- at this point, I feel like his presence is a net negative.
Me and my mum believe it is effecting his brain as he forgets a lot of basic things- plans made, conversations had. He claims he can never remember doing anything we accuse him of most of the time (whilst he’s drunk).
Issues tend to arise when he is off for multiple days, this is when he binges. It is very common for him to start drinking from 12pm onwards (I don’t even need to check the clock, I can hear the sound of a can opening from anywhere in the house, it terrifies me). He generally keeps to himself when he drinks- he has enough beers to make him bleutered and then just becomes this.. mess of groaning, moaning etc until he passes out.
This behaviour has lead to us not going on holidays/doing any activies because he spoils everything by drinking too much and getting nasty.
The other day, I overheard my brother crying hysterically in his room. He doesn’t often show emotions like this so I knew something was up. After I calmed him down to the point he could string a sentence together, he revealed that the night prior, whilst he was sitting downstairs listening to music, my dad (very drunk) was also downstairs complaining our tv was broken. I think upon my brother trying to help him/give advice, my dad started telling him that he hated him and saying that he died “we’d all be fucked” and I imagine there was more to it but I wasn’t there. He has said worse things to me so it would be far from the first time.
Upon hearing this, I went down to ask my dad what he said and it quickly devolved into an argument. My dad has never apologised in his life or accepted he is in the wrong, so the usual thing for him to do is to start SHOUTING. I raise my voice, sure but I’ve learned I get no where shouting back.
My mum gives him an ultimatum. Stop drinking/get support or leave. He believes he is entitled to do this when he is off work- which, I would agree if it was a manageable amount. It is not. The amount of drink he has stinks the house out. I can’t stomach food until he goes to bed around, some nights as late as 4am.
I have forgone many days without dinner, opting instead to snack or rely on eating at my morning shift at work.
It has been about two days since then. He has continued to drink and refuses to speak to anyone in the house. I’m scared, I’m exhausted and I worry how this effects my mother and my brothers.
To top it off, a family member on my mother’s side has recently passed away in a horrific accident. Me and mum planned to go attend his funeral Mass in a couple of weeks time outside of the country but feel we are unable to leave the home out of concern for my brothers. I have told her to attend while I stay- that breaks my heart. I never get to see that side of the family and I was looking forward to being with them (it will also be the week of my birthday). I feel like my mum needs to go home where she can get some time away and also be with her own family whilst they mourn our family member.
If I could wave a magic wand, I would solve my father’s drinking problem and have a functional relationship with him again- but he has said in front of his own sister and all of us that he would chose alcohol over us. His sisters and family on his side are sympathetic but are at a loss at what to do. They won’t take him in as they know what he’s like and saw their mother/my gran die to the same thing.
I’m so broken but I don’t know what else to do. I apologise if this is the incorrect Reddit for this- I don’t really know how to use the site, I just tried to find the best place.
I feel like we’re literally in a position where something terrible needs to happen before he understands and either leaves us or actually gets help. Thank you for any advice and again, apologies if this is in the incorrect place.