I don’t know where I am or how to feel
No filters, no cute photo, this is me as I type this.
My (30f) life is in a place right now that I never ever thought I would be in, ever. I mean 2 months ago, if you told me where I would be right now, there’s not a thing you could do to make me believe it. I have 3 small children, aged 4,2 and 1 (all of whom are loved deeply, well provided for and 100% safe). I have always been a tremendously emotional person, it’s something that I have come to embrace because it is such a critical part of who I am as a person, and a mother - I feel everything very deeply. Having said that, anger has been the singular emotion that I’ve never truly known, and I can say that wholeheartedly - it just isn’t a part of who I am. With this situation, which is definitely the biggest most consequential event I’ve had to navigate in my 30 years, I just don’t feel anything. I feel an absence of emotion, which if I’m being honest is something I do not understand and really freaks me out. What if I’m broken, what if this is how I am now? I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m looking for a sign or to be told something by someone that can just give me an “a-ha!” Moment that unlocks clarity…I just don’t know but I want to make some type of clarity for myself. Does anyone see anything? Feel like there’s a message that I need to receive that I haven’t been able to?