I'm obsessed with my best friend and i dont know what i should do about it. Can anyone help?
I'm not exaggerating when i say i am horribly and obsessively in love with my childhood best friend. And i previously never really aknowleged how deep my feelings went because i have never been in love or even liked anyone else, so i thought it was normal to feel like this towards a friend (Also me figuring out that i'm a lesbian prob helped).
Unfortunately i know for a fact that she doesn't like me in that way, and she has made that clear, so now i just feel so disgusting and ugly for thinking of her in a romantic way while she doesn't reciprocate. i've tried to make it go away for years by just ignoring and thinking of the worst sides of her( i geniuenly cant find anybin either personality or appearance.) and i just feel so creepy because of it, and its not like i think a lot about inappropriate things (im a sexual agacent in a way).
I love her so much it feels like i'm being ripped apart slowly and torturously because i know it will never happen, and i cant change that. I dont know if i should tell her or not, but i dont want to make her hate me entirely. At least right now we are each others closed friend and im scared i will ruin that if i speak up. And i'll loose her. I dont think i can take that.
Edit: i forgot to mention that our relationship is very flirty and we make a lot of sexual jokes with each other ( slap eachothers ass, Fake kiss, Dick Jokes etc...) and sometimes i doupt of its still just friendship. then i remember she has EXPLICITLY stated several times that we are just Friends, and it s rough up and down that happens a few times a year.
this is what i imagine she would think if i told her