Need urgent advice. Very unorganized lengthy post ahead.
I'm F24. I'm not going to make this pretty as I'm very, very tired--mentally and physically; and all I seek is support and some advice because I'm at my wits end here.
CONTEXT: Have had an abusive relationship with my mother since I was a toddler; just back to back emotional and a hint of physical abuse over the span of my life, while other traumatic things would sporadically occur. Both my mother and father would prioritize my brother, leaving my sister and I neglected quite frequently.
Since I was 16, I've been thrown out of the house quite a few times, only to waltz right back in once my mother was through with her fits. The most recent to date would be when I was 22 and it was over something that was my brother's fault. Over the course of my childhood, my mother kept me sheltered and didn't teach me any skills that would later be of use in my adulthood. I didn't get a real job until I was 21. And now I'm stranded and don't know what to do with my life. I've developed a spending habit as well as a drinking habit to cope with the things I've gone through, both inside and outside of the household.
When I was 19, my mother had this friend that needed to move in because her husband had passed and she had no where to go, so my mother talked to my siblings and I, and eventually had her move in with us--despite being reluctant to have someone we didn't know in our space. The second she arrived, she seemed lovely at first but after maybe a year, she turned into a witch and started being very petty in subtle ways. After some time had passed, my siblings and I learned that she is a volatile person, who manipulates to control. She uses fear-mongering tactics on my sister, taking advantage of the fact that she is on the spectrum, and regularly reduces our feelings to "disrespect" when we speak up. My mother let's her do whatever she wants because I believe she wants nothing to do with the situations that occur. She just passively agrees to anything her friend says, demands or questions and thinks that tossing me out would solve the problem.
Her friend has said some pretty nasty things to me since living there. She consistently slut shames me despite me not sleeping around like that. Insists that I'm miserable, and due to that, I can't keep relationships. And berates me for not being able to support myself despite me doing everything by myself in order to survive and maintain some level of sanity.
SITUATION: A situation happened today and is the reason for me making this post. I guess she saw me plop on the couch through the cameras she put up specifically to watch my siblings and I, and told me not to jump on the couch in a nasty tone the moment she got home. Us already having a bone to pick with one another for the past three weeks, and me not speaking to her for most of it to, again, attempt to maintain some level of sanity while she does her petty things, I countered her statement. I told her I didn't do such a thing and she insisted I did, and went as far as to theatrically demonstrate the exact "jumping" that I did to her couch (yes, it's her couch that she bought for the house).
I told her once again I did no such thing but she insisted and ended up telling me to get off the couch. I told her no. She kept telling me yes, until eventually, the situation escalated. Her and I went neck for neck, spewing nonsense at each other, taking personal jabs. At one point, I mentioned her dead husband and that pissed her off, so she went on to repeat the things she always says about me on a regular basis. Now, I understand that I shouldn't have said that but at the same time, I hold no empathy for someone like her. It's cold to say, but I care very much for my family and her going around to manipulate my mother and sister, as well as instigate and antagonize my brother over the most stupidest things, immediately writes her off in my book. You can say whatever you want to me, but anything involving my family, even if they're blind-sided to the heinous shit you do just to have the high ground, you're immediately a lost cause to me.
After our verbal altercation, she continues and I start recording, which I guess set her off even more. So much so that she goes to my mother to talk about kicking me out again. Mind you, I record for my own safety and well-being. And she puts on this act outside of the house, so there was no way anyone would believe me if I had to say something about my situation, you know? Anyway, so she goes to talk to my mom, I hear her, and start packing. In doing so, I start to feel like shit. Not because I said what I said to her despite recognizing it was bad of me to say, but because this shit just never ends, whether it's from my mom or her, and I'm starting to get real, real tired of it.
My things are packed. I have no money, no where to go, but I hate resorting to outside sources because I feel bad for asking for even the slightest bit of help. In my head, I put myself here because I have issues with being unable to save, while simultaneously wandering aimlessly at trying to adult the only ways I know how. On top of all this, I'm a student, and the whole point of me even starting college after like four years of not going right after highschool, was to get myself out of this mess and be something beyond my problems. But I'm taking a break this summer to save money and try to live a little stress free for the next four months before I go back, but I don't even think I can do that anymore now that this has occurred.
If anyone has any--ANY--advice, I don't care what it is, please send it my way. I'm in desperate need. I'm about to be 25 and I feel like such a loser.