Im not the person to lie down and feel sorry for themself. Through life I've just rolled with the punches. Fail? Learn, do it again. Bad luck? Second time, run it back. Bad things going on? Keep up the chin keep moving. Things didnt work out? Fall back to plan B. I always was a good student, lots of people called me clever, even well into high school. I always made the best out of bad situations.
Never got to enjoy that "prime time" whatsoever. Covid hit, and i lost the last 2 years to quarantine. Never saw anybody from that point of my life since. Graduated with still pretty good grades without knowing any of my classmates. Thats fine, ill make the most of college.
Things started to change these last few years. I always dreamed of working in biology, ecology, earth sciences, anything along that line of work. Plants, animals and nature, even the ugly side, always fascinated me. Preserving and protecting its beauty seemed so natural (i will not excuse the pun).I was so happy when i got accepted into my college as a bio major, even learning how cells work were some of the funnest years of my life. Couldn't really interact with anyone though. 2 hour commutes and a job meant i had 2-3 hours of free time a week. Often fell asleep in my classes. I am quick though, so grades kept up. Miracle how i survived in retrospect, rarely even had time to cook (which i do enjoy).
Then things happened, and the u.s pulled the rug under all the sciences. Professors leaving meant theres less available classes at my college. Hopes of lab work and any further development in the job of my dreams are exactly zero.
Well, thats fine. Ill manage. I have my backup career all lined up and everything, study Computer Science, databases, become a pro at Data analytics. Its not as fun. Dual enroll in a different college to get even better options.
Then things happened... again. CS in general is under a lot of grief. Ai, datacenters, etc. Is putting CS work to the test. At this point im not even sure if my tertiary backup of IT work is safe.
Job couldn't pay the bills, so had to take only online classes that could work my schedule. Didn't even realize 2 years of sleep deprivation had as much of an affect as they did. For months i was lethargic, i didnt even know my brain was in a fog. Jobs gone. Just had to move back to parents. I appreciate them, they've had my back for a while now. I dont really have any money or places to go out. Months later now and i am just barely coming back to "normal"
Best years of my high school? gone My dream job was dashed away, fine. My dream job was essentially eradicated, fine. My secondary future job is under heavy duress, fine. Was any of it my fault? No. Was anything here a growth opportunity? No. Was any of this fair? No. I just got fucked.
I miss irl college, biology. Miss my old friends. Miss cooking with good food.
Now im sitting here, just yelling what i can't articulate in real life. Dont know what my jobs going to look like in the future. Security for them is zero. I know what the future is gonna look like. What i studied in ecology all indicates its going to be shitty for the planet.
And i cant even help it like i wanted to.
Just... Fuck.
Thanks for reading.