TW: SA, violence
Until my early teens, I grew up in a family of four: my parents, my sister and myself. My father, a violent narcissist, has single-handedly ruined any chance for my sister and myself to have a normal childhood and a healthy adulthood, and further ruined my mother's life.
I will not go into detail about what my father did. In some ways I feel like he wasn't actually that violent, I don't think he was physically violent that often, but then I might have forced myself to forget some of the occurrences where it did happen. The way he traumatized us is by making us have to tiptoe around him all the time lest he lash out on us one way or another. This still affects the three of us even today. I still physically cringe when I hear some specific sounds. Even though I now live at the other side of the earth, I fear meeting him in the street someday, because I know that that is something he would do.
The thing is, I'm not the one who picked the shortest straw. After many therapy sessions, we've discovered that my father might have SA'd my sister when she was very young. My mother probably was most often the victim of his physical and verbal violence until the divorce, and since she experienced all of this as an adult, she is also the one who remembers all of this the most. I do not believe my mother will ever heal before she eventually goes.
Today both my sister and my mother are struggling, and my sister is the one that struggles the most, not only because of what my father has done, but also other traumatizing events that happened to her afterwards. I decided a few years ago that I was suddenly very interested in the language and culture of a country across the world, and am now living a relatively normal life, slowly working through my pains.
I haven't spoken to my father in three years. The last time I saw him, I thought I'd be able to face him man to man. I wasn't the child anymore I used to be, I was an adult, and I could deal with him in my own way. I was wrong. My current GF, which was with me when I met my father, didn't notice anything go wrong. But I felt it, the wound reopened and I decided that I probably would never be ready.
He sent a postcard two years ago when I got a new job across the world to congratulate me. I'm not sure how he even knew. Probably from the family. I burned the postcard and cried for an hour while shivering. Those who know what it is like to deal with a narcissist know that they want you to know they're watching you, and you can never escape them.
A few months ago, he sent an email to my sister and I. It landed in my junk box, but my sister saw it. She couldn't sleep for weeks. The email wasn't even mean, he was just trying to get news from us. But again, if you've ever dealt with a narcissist, you'll know how we felt at that moment.
Next to those two occurrences, I'm doing relatively well. I got a well-paying job that motivates me, a circle of friends, a girlfriend with whom I've been for six years, and a four-legged gremlin that meows me back to reality when I get too depressed. The thing is, every time I call, text, or meet with my sister or my mother, it just opens back the wounds slightly. When I am with them, as my girlfriend can testify, I am not "myself" anymore. Or rather, I am not the person I've been able to become by completely physically removing me from anything related to the trauma.
I'm not sure if this is the right way to heal. Some may call me a coward, I would call myself a coward. But I dread every time I have to go back home. I have to, for reasons unrelated to my family. But I can't really suddenly say I won't see my sister or my mother when I'm back, partly because I don't have the balls to do that, but also because I do love them. I just think that, the more I stay in contact with them, the less chances I have to ever feel completely normal.
My biggest fear is very predictable: I suddenly have no choice but to go back permanently. I have nightmares about this, next to nightmares where I try to kill my father (but always fail). So in a way, my biggest fear is having my sister and my mother around. But I do love them.
Him dying would be a great relief for all of us. But it won't solve all. Even when he eventually dies, and hoping that he's the first one to go, I don't think I'll want to have more contacts with my family.
I am a huge selfish coward, but I hope I can one day become a happier one.