I’m (F20) in uni and have been close friends with a guy (M20) for almost 4 years. Over time I developed feelings, especially after last summer when we hung out a lot (nearly every day for a week) and the vibe felt different.
The confusing part is his behaviour often feels “date-coded,” even though he insists it’s just how he is with women friends. Examples:
Plans 1:1 hangouts that feel like dates (booked a private cinema room, bought my favourite snacks, surprised me with clay and told me to look up “clay date night” ideas, suggested sunrise walks, charity shopping + cooking, etc.)
Very gentleman/care-taking: opens doors constantly, carries my stuff, offers to walk me home, checks I got home safe.
Emotional intimacy: long deep talks, says he holds me in high regard, has said he journals about our conversations/thinks about me a lot.
Also weirdly sensitive about “being perceived” online: historically stalked my TikTok without interacting, sometimes won’t like posts where I look good, and makes jokes about me liking his TikTok comments (“never like my comment again” ,joking, but it’s a recurring thing). He can also be awkward about photos/mirror moments together.
At the same time, he’s inconsistent over text (can leave me on delivered for days/a week), then comes back acting normal and friendly again.
I finally asked directly if our dynamic was more than friendship. He was kind and said:
It’s platonic and he doesn’t like me romantically.
He understands why it could come off confusing, but that’s “how he is” with women friends.
He said relationships feel “precarious” and he wouldn’t want to risk our friendship.
He also said if he was ever “advancing” romantically it would look different/more sexual (his words).
He mentioned people (even his mum) have joked about us being together before.
Now I feel embarrassed and stuck. I don’t want to cut him off dramatically, but I also notice my feelings flare up after hangouts, and the “date-coded” behaviour + inconsistency makes it hard to move on. He graduates and leaves the city in July, so the friendship might naturally fade due to distance anyway.
Question: What’s the healthiest way to handle this?
Keep the friendship but change the format (less 1:1, less intimate hangouts)?
Take some space and let distance do the work?
Any advice on boundaries that stop me spiralling while still being respectful?
TL;DR: Close male friend does a lot of “date-like” 1:1 stuff and emotional intimacy but says it’s platonic. I asked, he confirmed platonic. I want to move on without blowing up the friendship or my mental health.