u/AdhesivenessCool8009

When I was around 15–19, I somehow learned how to control my emotions almost completely.

I could quiet them down to basically nothing, or create certain emotions on command just by willing it, almost like they were buttons and levers. I could make myself passionate about boring school subjects, or make myself feel disgusted by unhealthy habits. At the time, I saw it as a kind of superpower, and honestly, it was incredibily useful. I was a machine.

But after I finished school, I had a major crisis because I couldn’t figure out what I actually wanted. I had treated emotions like tools for so long that advice like “follow your gut” or “listen to your heart” genuinely confused me. In my mind, emotions came after a decision, not before. So I didn’t really understand what “following your emotions” even meant. To me, it was like getting in a car and being told to “drive where the car wants to go.”. Like what?

Now I try to let my emotions flow more naturally and avoid influencing them unless I really need to. But I’ve become constantly anxious, somewhat depressed, and I function at maybe 20% of what my teenage self was capable of. Maybe that’s because I never actually learned how to deal with emotions properly, and instead just kept them on lockdown.

Maybe I’m happier in some way. I at least have clearer wants now. But honestly, I don’t know. The whole thing confuses the hell out of me. I know I can go back, but I really don’t want to. Even if I could hypothetically achieve every want I have now, I don’t know if I would feel like I was the one actually achieving them.

Part of me still feels like “listening to your emotions” is silly, because I know from experience that emotions can be shaped and controlled. Especially considering how out of whack mine tend to be, and how often they seem to make the important stuff harder to do.

So I’m wondering:

What does a healthy relationship with emotions actually look like?

Should emotions guide us, be controlled by us, or is it something in between?

When I was around 15–19, I somehow learned how to control my emotions almost completely.

I could quiet them down to basically nothing, or create certain emotions on command just by willing it, almost like they were buttons and levers. I could make myself passionate about boring school subjects, or make myself feel disgusted by unhealthy habits. At the time, I saw it as a kind of superpower, and honestly, it was incredibily useful. I was a machine.

But after I finished school, I had a major crisis because I couldn’t figure out what I actually wanted. I had treated emotions like tools for so long that advice like “follow your gut” or “listen to your heart” genuinely confused me. In my mind, emotions came after a decision, not before. So I didn’t really understand what “following your emotions” even meant. To me, it was like getting in a car and being told to “drive where the car wants to go.”. Like what?

Now I try to let my emotions flow more naturally and avoid influencing them unless I really need to. But I’ve become constantly anxious, somewhat depressed, and I function at maybe 20% of what my teenage self was capable of. Maybe that’s because I never actually learned how to deal with emotions properly, and instead just kept them on lockdown.

Maybe I’m happier in some way. I at least have clearer wants now. But honestly, I don’t know. The whole thing confuses the hell out of me. I know I can go back, but I really don’t want to. Even if I could hypothetically achieve every want I have now, I don’t know if I would feel like I was the one actually achieving them.

Part of me still feels like “listening to your emotions” is silly, because I know from experience that emotions can be shaped and controlled. Especially considering how out of whack mine tend to be, and how often they seem to make the important stuff harder to do.

So I’m wondering:

What does a healthy relationship with emotions actually look like?

Should emotions guide us, be controlled by us, or is it something in between?