I know people are going to give me serious flack about this, I know how wrong it sounds but it really didn’t seem like a bad decision at the time. I’ve been a CNA for over 10 years and have struggled with burnout, depression, and physical pain for years until I finally cracked under the pressure. It led me to my last job forcing my to go on paid leave, only I got totally fucked over and never actually got paid from the state and my job wouldn’t help me either so, I quit.
During this time, my boyfriend said he would help me by covering all the bills and I could stay home in the meantime until I could get back on my feet. The job market has been rough to say the least. It’s been about 8 months and I’ve still had no luck finding another job and it’s incredibly draining to constantly apply for jobs only to hear nothing back once they either see my background, or just flat out deny me because I only have experience being a CNA which severely limits me to what jobs will accept me.
Now I feel stuck again. My depression isn’t getting any better and I had to go cold turkey off my meds because I’m not making any money and couldn’t afford them anymore. And my boyfriend is starting to crack under the pressure of supporting both of us. There’s no food in our fridge and I’m starving but I don’t want to tell him because I don’t want to be a bother to him anymore. I’m behind on my bills too, in debt, and have nowhere else to turn to besides my parents and that’s the last thing I want to do. But I’m debating just leaving and moving back in with them. I don’t want to leave my boyfriend and our cat but I feel like I can’t contribute anything at this point and I’m only holding them both back. I just wish I could die and not have to suffer and make the people I love suffer because of my bad decisions.