u/AdRegular2400

I haven’t changed my bedsheets in nearly 3 weeks. I lost him two weeks ago and the weekly sheet change was one of his favorite things.
I can’t bare the thought of having to change them without him jumping under them or crawling between each layer until I put the comforter on and he wiggled around underneath until I pulled it up to look at him. It’s been so hard since he’s been gone and everything I clean or change feels like another piece getting ripped away from me. I hate everything because it reminds me of him. I came home late for the first time since he’s passed and it was like being punched in the stomach because the last time was the first night without him. It feels impossible to just feel ok at home without him but the thought of feeling ok somehow feels worse.

Last Friday I had to put my cat down after he went into advanced heart failure. I have been devastated since. The only reason I even get out of bed right now is because he hated me being in bed too long and I’m trying to keep doing the routines we had. It helps me feel closer to him and like I’m not alone. People keep asking me when I’m going to put his stuff away or sell the big things like his cat tree. Saying that it would be good for me to get it out of my house and not see it all the time. But I can’t. I like his stuff being in the house it’s comforting. It’s almost like I can kind of pretend that he’s just in the other room sleeping in his tree or bed and I’ll see him again. Then I get brought back to reality and I feel guilty because that pretending makes me feel ok for a little while so that I can try and manage things better. It’s weird I’m so lost without him it’s like there’s a gaping hole in me but at the same time it doesn’t feel real. I’m terrified to pick up his ashes because I think It will fully set in that my baby is gone and isn’t in the other room. I’m just so confused right now.