Brain chemistry & care for older children
Hi!
I wanted to touch on the topic of why people/parents react differently, towards an autistic child and autistic adults.
Oxytocin is "the magic", that allows us to take stress.
Especially mothers, evolved to have extensive Oxytocin release systems. Oxytocin is basically a "bonding hormone".
Each time, that "you" hear childlike registry of noises, it floods "your" system with Oxytocin. It makes stress or pain receptors less active. Disabled people, often continue to make the same "childlike" noises, long into their teens or adulthood. It still triggers the same systems : "baby noises=must care and protect".
But, the older the child gets, the perception changes, and even brain of the most loving mother - doesnt release oxytocin in the same amounts anymore.
That's why, it is way more stressful, to take care of adult autistic people, than to care for autistic child. Because our brains dont give us the dampening hormones. We get more irritated, short fused. Not because we dont love the autistic adult child, but because of evolution and brain chemistry.
Think about it in the same way, that lactation works.
You will be dripping in milk, when your child cries.
But, you don't get the same effect, when your adult child cries.
I often see the sentiment "people want to help, when the children are small, but they dont want to help with teens/adult children".
Pure chemical reaction.
Other people have the same oxytocin release programming.
So, their brain is flooded with oxytocin, when the child is young, which makes people more forgiving, attentive, stress resilient.
But, adult / teens dont trigger the same mechanism. But autistic teens/adults often need the same level of care, that a baby would need. So, "you" have to take the same amount of stress, but without magical bonding hormone.
This is why, it is way harder to care for teens/autistic adults, because our brain doesnt register them as a "baby = needs help". So a friend or grandma would be able to care for autistic baby, but the older the kid gets - the less oxytocin carer gets = the more stressful it is.
During events like PPD, the oxytocin release system gets fried, which makes mothers unable to form bond with the child.
"Your" perception is right, when you feel, as others stop helping as eagerly, as the child grows. "You" are right, that others (and yourself!) Have harder time to stay calm, attentive and forgiving. "You" are right, that people get more frustrated quicker. "You" can intellectually know, that an adult can be "a child in adult's body", but your brain doesn't recognise that.
But! It is based on brain chemistry, not malice or personal feelings.
"Mother" gets more oxytocin from her own baby. That is why, sometimes you can deal with behaviour, that others cant take. "Your" oxytocin is being released for a longer time, so even hearing a teenager making babbling sounds, you will get an oxytocin spike. But you dont react the same way towards other autistic adults, only "your" child. It is a very primal mechanism, that was designed for the mother to not abandon the young. But the bigger physically child gets - the less oxytocin you get.
I just wanted to share this, because sometimes I feel, like behaviours from other people/family are framed as being uncaring or not inclusive or i seen sentiment "everyone was willing to help, when the children were small, but not anymore, when they are teens/adults. Or even straight "I cant understand, why grandparents dont want to care for my teenage autistic children, even if they take care of toddlers". It makes total chemical sense. Toddlers trigger oxytocin not only in parents, but also in other people. Teenagers - dont.
I saw messages saying "others would accept my child's behavior, when they were young and cute, but don't accept the same behaviour from an teen/adult" yup! 100%! But, not because people changed their minds, stopped loving the kid or they dont accept autistic behaviour anymore. It is because people dont get the same bonding hormone spike, when caring for teens/adults, so frustration build up isnt dampened, as it used to.
I thought it might "take away" some personal guilt. Like thinking, that others stopped loving "your" bigger kid. I wanted to offer some explanation, why it is harder for "you" to take care of your teenage/adult children.
Its not your personal failure.
Its not child being "faulty".
Its not family's "unwillingness ".
Its not society being "less accepting".
It is brain chemistry, and we are slaves to our hormones.
I will be happy, if it will help even one person, to not feel guilty, that caring for autistic teens/adults is more difficult and feels more exhausting. Or it will help in understanding why others react differently to "autistic toddler" and "autistic teen".
(If it isnt needed, helpful or interesting, i am sorry, and please remove)