Trust issues
I’m in a serious relationship with a girl I truly love. She is 26 and I’m 27. Before me, she was in a relationship for 5 years, and she openly confessed that she had sex with her ex multiple times during that relationship. She is not a virgin, and honestly, I accepted that completely. I never judged her for her past because I genuinely love her for who she is.
Now we are serious about each other and want to turn this relationship into marriage. She always says she wants a man who is open-minded, nonjudgmental, emotionally mature, and different from the typical conservative Nepali male mindset. I’ve been living in the western world for the last 7 years, so naturally I’m more open in my thinking, and she says that’s one of the biggest reasons she loves me.
The thing that hurts me sometimes is that she completely restricts sex before marriage and wants to wait until after marriage. I want to clarify that my love is not only about sex. I genuinely care for her deeply. I pamper her, hug her, kiss her forehead randomly, hold her hands in public, give her flowers and small presents on random occasions, support her emotionally, and give my 100% effort in this relationship because I truly love her.
But sometimes, emotionally, I feel conflicted and a little hurt. I start questioning myself: why does it feel unfair? I accepted her past without any issue, never judged her, respected her choices, and loved her fully. But now, when it comes to intimacy in our relationship, I feel restricted. Sometimes it feels like men are expected to be emotionally open, caring, understanding, supportive, non-patriarchal, and accepting — which I genuinely try to be — but when it comes to physical intimacy, suddenly conservative expectations appear again.
If she had never experienced intimacy before, maybe I could convince myself more easily to fully accept waiting without these thoughts affecting me emotionally. But because she already shared that part of herself in her previous relationship, sometimes I wonder why there is such a strong boundary with me even after all the love, loyalty, respect, and commitment I give her. It makes me question whether she truly trusts me or not.
At the same time, I understand that intimacy is her personal choice, and I never want to pressure her into anything. I respect her feelings and boundaries. But I’m also human. I have emotional and physical needs too, especially at this stage of life. Sometimes I just wish she could understand my side emotionally instead of making me feel guilty for having those feelings.
Maybe I’m expecting too much, or maybe I’m just trying to understand where the balance between love, fairness, trust, and personal boundaries really exists.