Heavy topic incoming please be considered
this is gonna be heavy topic involving ocd and extreme anxiety please interact with caution .
sadly, I have developed extremed anxiety and ocd is only getting worser an worser over time it reach the point where I can't stop can't stop insulting Islam whenever I am near religious stuff and having to repeat my testimony reinforcing the cycle even more the more way I could make it work is if I made my testimony fast enough than my mind can catch up with it obsessive thoughts or relax a bit but it wouldn't last long since religion trigger me it will reinforce the cycle that literally the most I can, the most religious thing my body can handle is literally the basics of basics of Islam I can handle , I can't even do ghusul let alone wudu and prayer I feel like sinner whenever I hear adhan during Friday and hadiths about prayer cause me extreme anxiety despite being literally unsure about validity of ritualistic prayer I am semi quranist semi sunni btw but what else can I do I have to fight for my life just to take ghusul and this was way before it become stronger that I can't hold it for long without insulting Islam let alone prayer , idk what else can I do
I try to clean impurity if I came across them like urine or such wchich I had to repeat shahada again and do it quick before my compulsive disorder catch up .
I am afraid of death and I am trying to figure out religion but this is condition make it near impossible how am I supposed to figure out what religion is if I can't stay one piece without breaking down
I will share what I feel during those episode it's often vague cuz these episodes are quick to make sense of them but basically it's like this first of during doing something your mind shift objective for mere second when you try to redo it again and focus you feel like you but at the same time not you as in not like anger but not normal anger like fast excessive anger the more you try to control the more it take over if you fight it so hard it highjack your mind and make you do things you normally wouldn't do like this for brief moment you hate Islam or something then basically boom regain control it often too fast and intense to make sense but in that brief moment you do something you normally wouldnt like idk being anti Islam insulting god etc.. in that state you do it like due to extreme stress but you normally wouldn't like , idk what to do I feel bad but what else can I do , spirituality often doesn't work for me , and I often feel guilty on this part because It's was me who do it and who am I to tell I didn't enough control what make me different from people who commit disbelief out of anger , even while seeing Islamic history or like relic of past or this chain of narration is true or something it's make me even feel more anxious because I feel I am following desire and that sunnism is the default right path when I am myself feel stuck between multiple aspect from suñism to quransim so things that assure this x path is true only cause more insanity the reverse work do , I am afraid of going to hell after I die but idk what else am I even supposed to do, I don't wanna a bad person . .. I truly don't want to ...( so whenever I see Hadith or verses or such saying you are borderline Kaffir or very least sinner if you don't pray or even skip one prayer is already bad enough om it own ... this also apply to other things as well even when I am not sure that what the Quran talk about or had different context back then or something like interest or not wearing hijab( I am male but still ) I am not sure if that what these verses meant but still
sorry , this got me a bit emotional writing this and I am starting to cry , I should stop now , thankfully this was all I got to say I am currently on medicines and I went and still go to pscyhrist ... but yeah sorry if this is a bit heavy