Lasting Anger/Rage at my (29f) Anxious Ex’s (38f) Behavior
Hi all, I just want to check if anyone else struggles with lasting anger over how they were treated in a relationship. If so, how did you manage it?
I’ve been having more and more clarity over a 1-yr relationship that ended in February and want to share what’s been surfacing.
It took me a while to even notice, after I’d broken up with her and the dust settled, that I hadn’t done anything wrong in the relationship. I made mistakes, yes, of course; but nothing I did could have justified her sudden change in behavior toward me. I realized I deserve to be loved and appreciated JUST the way I am.
Sure, I tried to put my best foot forward in the relationship and didn’t tell her about all of my shortcomings right away. I think that is normal. But, as the relationship became more intimate, I began to open up about things I am not so proud of in my life: mistakes I’ve made, addictions I’ve overcome, etc. unfortunately, these disclosures were met with rejection from her every time.
An example: I have always struggled with insomnia / my sleep quality. Instead of supporting me in my investigation of that issue, it felt like she tried to fix it for me (buying me supplements, nagging me to go to acupuncture, etc). It felt patronizing, and like a major violation of my boundaries and selfhood that she thought she could fix this problem FOR me, when I have been struggling with this my whole adult life (& she’d never dealt with it at all)
Using the same example, it also felt like she said, through her actions and words, that my current state was unacceptable and that if I didn’t “fix myself” RIGHT NOW she wouldn’t stop nagging me until I did. She would openly criticize me (in these ridiculous rhetorical monologues) about how “worried” she was about my insomnia and how much it affected her/the relationship, adding a LOT more stress to my already-difficult situation. It made me feel like I couldn’t be vulnerable about my struggles for fear that she’d just start nagging at me about them. I learned not to expect any acceptance, patience, softness, or understanding from her; and my best option was to pretend I was fine all the time. This is basically lying, and we all know dishonesty kills relationships. It didn’t feel good to me either but I didn’t know what to do - I really loved her and wanted our relationship to last (at the cost of my own wellbeing, apparently.)
Through this experience I am able to really see that, in order to get better, we need to accept where we are now. How counterintuitive!
Anyway, she reaches out to me now and then. It hurts a lot because I really loved her and I busted my ass trying to be the best gf I could be to her. We had a really intense connection. The first 6-8 months of our relationship were pure bliss and I thought she was the one. It all went to shit when she got a stressful job and let her critical voice speak allllll the time. Months without any gratitude or validation from my own girlfriend, and I found myself getting defensive (because I know I’m not perfect, but I actually DO like who I am, and I have worked really hard to build a life I am proud of). I realized at some point I no longer looked forward to seeing her so I broke up with her. It is painful but feels right, because I wouldn’t be able to trust her not to act in such an ungrateful, unkind way in the future.
Still when I think about how great our relationship was in the beginning, it makes me want to SHAKE her and make her admit how bad she fucked this up. It’s not easy to find someone you like, who has similar values and goals, AND who you find attractive. FINALLY I found all of that in her, and she just threw it all away by treating me like shit.
I am not sure if she was aware of the change in her behavior. I thought it strange at the time hat she just kept nagging/criticizing me, but also seemed surprised when i ended the relationship;, so a dark part of me wonders if she figured she had me “pinned” in the relationship, and started being mean and critical at that point, assuming I wouldn’t stand up for myself or ever leave her, no matter what she said. Like the hovering-devaluation tactics that narcissists use. Or maybe she just can’t handle stress well and it was unintentional. Idk, and it doesn’t matter now, but I still think about it a lot. I want to know if this person that I adored and trusted intentionally manipulated me or not.
Anyway, I can’t seem to get over the rage I feel about this. It just feels like such a waste. And it makes me feel like dating isn’t even worth it anymore. You find someone you have a great connection with, you fall in love, you trust them and do everything in your power to please them, and still they don’t treat you well. FUCK this.
The best thing that came out of this relationship was the realization I could be my own best friend and advocate, and that I genuinely like and love myself. I feel very lucky for that , and very grateful that I trusted my gut and left the relationship, even if I didn’t have words for “why” at the time. Sending all the love out to yall. Thank you for reading. Remember to love yourselves.