Have you ever been in limerence with someone?
I felt a spark of chemistry from a simple message at work 5 years ago, "what's your cat's name?"
Instant connection.
Getting any crumb of attention from you felt like the highest high and left me in a great mood until you'd pull away— then I'd crash to the lowest low and be volatile.
I was in a bad place mentally, physical and emotionally (I still am, and I hate it).
I'm suffering from burnout, identity collapse and self-sabotage.
Being in your presence feels like taking truth serum. It makes me an open book. I want to tell you everything because having someone truly know and understand me gives me stability. And yes, I'm sorry that you felt like a therapist. I didn't realize how exhausting my stories (truama dumping) were.
I understand the need for space now. I didn't then.
We push and pull, but never with any clarity. What do you think of me? I have no idea. I hate it. I wish you could see the best version of me and not the mess of a person I've been since the pandemic.
I ended my then relationship for a chance to be closer to you. I didn't want to be a cheater, I didn't want you to think I was a bad person for getting along so well with you when I had a man across the country who loved me. I thought you wanted me to be single.
The second I told you about the breakup, you ghosted me for months. I thought about dying. My emotions were intense. I wanted to lash out and show you my pain. I became bitter and passive aggressive.
Later, when you were greiving a loss, it killed me to my core that you wanted no contact. You asked for space and never came back. It hurt because I wanted to help you, sincerely. I wanted to be a shoulder for you to lean on since you had offered the same grace to me with my problems. I realized my mistake in not getting to know you (I have a problem with being self-centered). I wanted to fix that.
Eventually I had a meltdown that changed everything.
In the wake of total friendship destruction, I read up a lot on limerence, relationships, friendships and attachment styles.
I asked doctors for help. I saw multiple therapists. I took mental health meds to try to calm the storms in my head.
The limerence remained.
It's been 5 years, and I'm in a similar situation again. I have another person in my life. He wants me to settle down and commit. But how can I?
I still feel as strongly about you as I did 5 years ago. And I still don't have a clear answer on if you'd ever even consider a relationship with me or not.
I'm probably just batshit crazy, to be honest. Hooked on "what ifs?"
How can I be in a relationship with someone else when I replay this history in my head every day?
I wanted to wait for you to see the new, more mature, less volatile me. But the timing wouldn't allow it.
What am I supposed to do? Can we have a real conversation so I can understand you?