Looking for advice or words of wisdom
I got sober in my very early 20s. I had a very difficult relationship with alcohol and drugs at an early age. Black out drinker, drank everyday. I had my first drink at 12, and subsequently developed a Coke addiction. I drank to cope with depression primarily. I had a lot of trauma that I needed to address.
I had 2 years sober from everything, but started smoking weed. I hit 5 years sober from alcohol last summer. But I relapsed on Halloween.
I moved away to Europe from North America for a job and i just felt like why not? So far, everything has been fine. I know this sounds stupid, especially coming from someone who was once an out and proud sober alcoholic, but I’ve been maintaining control. I’ve probably drank once a month since the initial relapse. Nothing to excess, but just casual I guess. Definitely unlike how I drank before.
But, what I struggle with right now is guilt. I feel really ashamed that I started drinking again. I worked really hard at my sobriety. Not only that, but I put in a lot of work on my mental health. I haven’t told my family, only my close friends know. Part of me feels ashamed because I helped almost all my friends back home get sober. My best friend just hit 4 years, and I would’ve had 6 this summer.
I’m struggling between missing being sober and the flex that I used to feel it was VS that I’m having fun, I feel more mature and I trust myself more than before.
I used to always say that so long as sobriety is the goal it doesn’t matter if you stumble. And I do want to be sober, I just don’t know if I want it right now.