u/AccurateFox4321

I don't want to die but I also feel like I'd happily hurt myself to end up incapacitated so I don't have to deal with the stressors in my life right now. I just need to escape and I don't know how else to do it. I made an appointment with my psych for a couple days from now but how do I emphasize that I don't want to kms specifically? When this happened in the past they took it as I was actively suicidal and I ended up in the hospital. I'm not thinking straight anymore. Everything is just too fast and too much.

I've been under a lot of stress at work and they may be changing my duties soon to boot. I'm sure they're working to ruin me and take away everything including my accommodations. I think they want me to suffer and put me in a position where I'll say or do something I can't take back and they'll use it against me. They want to see me squirm and don't believe that I actually have a diagnosis. All that said, I don't know if any of that is normal anxiety or if I need to mention it to my psych. I just don't know.

So it's actually been about 10 years since I've been hospitalized, a streak I'd like to continue. But lately I've been under a lot of work stress and now I've been having recurring dreams about having a public freakout or other things happening and ending up back in the hospital. It's not a scary place to be in my dreams, nor was it in real life when I've been there, but still. Just curious does anyone else get dreams like that? It's kinda distressing.

Firstly, this is venting about work, which is a luxury I realize many can't manage. So not really a vent about the work itself, but more my lack of capacity nowadays.

I work full time but from home 4 days a week (office on 5th day). Low stress but tedious work. Well this afternoon I got a deadline for a project, due tomorrow afternoon, and I've never done the work before. I worked 3 hours extra today trying to making this deadline. Already I'm thinking not good thoughts. I'm not having any other symptoms so far, but just being pushed like this is something I'm really finding out I just don't do well with. I'm red-lining and can't slow my brain.

I just took my meds so hopefully that helps. And hopefully I'll sleep. If not, that's another surefire way to a slow mental decline. I don't know what to do.