u/According_Stress_874

Silence
I really hate the silence
I hate when I’m alone
Because in the silence I hear words
That I know aren’t my own
I’m ugly
I’m lazy
I’m stupid
I’m crazy
A waste of time
A waste of space
That’s why I hate the silence
I really hate the darkness
Because of I what I see
I see your hateful looks
I see how you really feel about me
I see the scars of my past
I hear my painful cries
I hear myself chanting
I want to die
I want to die
I want to die
I do not like the silence
I do not like to be alone
I really hate the darkness
But I’m afraid that it’s my home
I’ve spent a lot of time alone
With my thoughts
My my scars
My screams
Because for me
Silence is different
It’s not quiet
Peaceful
Or calm
For me silence is deafening
A reminder of all my wrongs
I wish the silence was quiet
I wish that it was calm

No one wants to more than me
But there is something you can’t see
An invisible pressure on my chest
Something that makes life feel like a test
Do better
Work harder
Why aren’t you like the rest
Do better
Work harder
Can’t you see I’m doing my best
Outside I’m quiet
Inside there’s a storm
Outside I look fine
Inside I’m worn
I don’t know how to explain
That my brain works different
It’s never quiet
My head is never silent
There is noise and ideas stories and quotes
All the everyday it never stops
I want to explain that I’m desperately trying
I want to do good
But I can’t stop crying

I wrote several poems about my ex boyfriend. Here is another one about my experience with him. Hope you enjoy.

I let you in
When I should have shut you out
I stayed silent
When I needed to shout
I was compliant
When I needed to fight
I let you do things
That never saw light
I told myself it was normal, expected
You told me that it was needed
Why
Why
Why
Lier lier lier LIER
Fire in my bones
Fire in my skin
Fire in my eyes
I swear never again
Never will you hurt me
Never will you say
(It’s normal, expected)
Not again
Not today

You praised God with the same hand
You used to assault me
You sang hymns with the same lips
You used on my body
You told me you were thankful
That I was pure
That I was holy
But You were the one
That was making me dirty
You told lies with a smile
You told truth with a frown
I never felt safe when you were around
I was convinced my scars
Were because of my pain
But really they were because I was ashamed
Ashamed of what you’d ask me to do
Ashamed of what I did for you
Ashamed
Ashamed
Ashamed
Ashamed I let you use me