Very messy post ahead. Sorry I don’t really know how to organise my thoughts, it’s been a hot minute since I wrote long form content. But I’ve been having these thoughts about the events in my life, from the past, present and future and they aren’t exactly encouraging.
I’m a recent polytechnic graduate, waiting to enlist in NS, and lately, I’ve been thinking about how my life is meaningless. I have basically no friends from school. Not from my course, nor from my CCA. These few months, I’ve kinda just been cooped up at home, not really doing much at all. I guess I could say I’ve been wasting my life and doing nothing productive for myself or anyone else. I know I should go out, get a job, do something productive, get fit for NS, but I find it hard to force myself to go out and get a part-time job. But I probably wasn’t always like this?? At least, that’s what I’d like to think. Don’t think anyone really likes to be seen as lazy or a burden to society.
Can’t think of a good way or place to bring this up, so I’ll just chuck this here. Throughout the whole of my poly life, I had close to 0 meaningful interaction with those around me, except for a tiny group of friends from my CCA. I had a rough start in poly, and it feels like those were the darkest times of my life. It was really hard to get used to the lack of friends, and I felt really lonely then. I had no will to attend my classes, and I found it even more difficult to bother about my studies.Eventually, I would get into some drama with those “friends” I made in CCA, and we had a huge falling out. It impacted me quite badly and honestly, it didn’t help much with my situation back then. I was just really depressed and was almost tempted to end it all then. Thankfully, I didn’t, but I feel like my life didn’t really improve from there. I was still a loner until year 3. And I didn’t do much about my studies. I wish I did, but it’s too late for regrets now. My GPA is really bad, and I’m probably not entering any desirable university courses.
Back to the present, and I’ve been cooped up in my house these few months ever since school ended, doing nothing but playing games/doomscrolling while waiting to enlist. Besides occasionally going out to exercise or to eat, I don’t really recall going out for anything else. And I don’t feel motivated to go out either. I know it’s a me problem, but I feel really lonely. I lowkey wish I had some friends who I could be close to, who I could chat with every now and then and keep me company. Hell, I even try to chat on random Discord servers but those conversations are quite short-lived, and I don’t actually make new friends through them at all. Honestly, it’s probably not healthy and I should stop it.
Hey, maybe I shouldn’t worry about it so much since NS is coming up right? Probably, but I’m greedy. Maybe. Sometimes, I think I want more than just friends. I think of getting into a relationship sometimes. But part of me thinks I don’t deserve it. Not the way I am now. If I did get into one, it feels like I would just be having a relationship to feel better about myself, instead of it adding on to my life. But let’s say, even if I somehow managed to fix whatever’s wrong with my life now and managed to get a part-time job that’s relevant to my diploma, it still doesn’t change the fact that I did horribly in poly, and I’ll probably be stuck in work for a long time, or forever, after I finish NS and not go to university. And at that point, it’s probably very unlikely I’ll even get into a relationship for the rest of my life, but I hope I’m just overthinking.
I guess it’s kinda depressing thinking that I’ll be single for the rest of my life. Aside from that, I feel like right now, my life is just… meaningless, like I have no sense of direction in life. I do have aspirations, but none of them are relevant to my diploma, and I suck/have almost no experience in all of them and it’s a bit too late to focus on them at this age, so they might as well not exist. And because of my horrible GPA, I trapped myself on this path of going straight to work after NS, unlikely to go to university for a while, if not ever. So for the foreseeable future, I’ll basically be slaving away for some random person’s company to keep myself alive. I won’t get the chance to interact or bond with others closely again, so I probably won’t be able to get into a relationship. And if that’s how it’s gonna be for the rest of my life, I would rather have it end here instead of living a fruitless life for 60 more years, or potentially 70. Hopefully some divine being will have mercy on me and take my life sooner, coz doing it myself could just hurt those close to me.
I guess that’s it for my long ass rant. I’m so sorry if whatever I said sounds foolish, but if you managed to read through most of it, thank you so much for your time. And if you have any input, please feel free to share it. It would be appreciated.