Navigating Motherhood without my Mom
I’m pregnant with my first baby (a boy) and due in July. I decided to not share the news with my mother due to the fact that we have not spoken on the phone in almost two years, besides a few random text messages here and there. My mother is a severe alcoholic and struggles with her mental health. This is something that I have been navigating since I was 16 years old, now 33. I have spent years in therapy and have really tried to understand her disease the best to my abilities. She did not have an easy go in life.
I made it about 7 months without her knowing I’m pregnant, and I felt really confident in my decision. Of course there have been moments where I wished I could just pick up the phone, and call her to ask all of the questions. Especially in the first trimester when I was so sick and just wanted my mom. To me, protecting myself and my son is all that matters to me and the bad outweighed the good in that scenario.
Due to another family member, my mom found out. Something I can’t even be mad about because they are getting older and memory is now becoming a problem. She of course reached out, and it has unleashed a floodgate of emotions in me. We spoke on the phone for the first time in years and for a moment it felt natural. It was nice to finally be able to ask all of the questions and hear what she struggled with in her pregnancy or in motherhood.
She now saw an open door to contacting me. Randomly texting me about what we might be naming him, or to make sure I did XY and Z because thats what happened to her. The boundaries I had set were now out the window. I decided to call her and she of course was under the influence. I reminded her that this is the exact reason we cannot have a normal relationship and that maybe communication isn’t the best thing. She of course did not understand.
I’ve been left feeling so emotional. Part of me is upset for letting her in, even if it’s just for a second. The best way to describe the feeling: It’s as if my mother died a long time ago and I’m dreaming of her coming back to me for a moment, only to just disappear again. I get reminded of what once was, and then POOF, she’s gone.
It’s hard to mourn someone who is still alive. I think I’ll mourn her till the day she dies.