It's hard and embarassing to admit it but I am realizing I might genuinely have munchausens syndrome for OCD. i think i am mimicking OCD behaviors because I enjoy sympathy and/or feeling bad for myself. I have a hard time figuring out what I really think but I think this is in line for me. How do I get rid of it and stop doing this? If anyone else has had or known someone with mental illness themed munchausens I would love advice. Do I need to raise my self esteem?

Need to confess that I lied to everyone and faked OCD to hide how perverted I am and the guilt is making me feel awful.

The first time I had heard of OCD was when I was 13 or 14 and I had been watching a TV show where one of the characters was describing a terrible disgusting wrong act. I don't remember my thought process that well but I remember wondering if when i had heard about it I actually liked it. I spiralled and became so distressed because I couldn't figure out if I liked what I was thinking about and the distressed feeling was actually excitement (heart beating fast, etc). I remember just sobbing and I was stuck in this loop for hours. I was researching people who commit crimes like that a lot to see if I related to them and trying to check my physical reaction to information. I remember feeling so scared that I am evil and feeling like there might not be any point to my life because I should die in order to protect others. I think I called the suicide hotline about this but they did not understand. The way I got out of it was writing down reasons that I am not a bad person. I tried to avoid the topic for a little because it would get me started again, until eventually it faded away and its been years without even remembering that incident.

However, I have had various inconsistent forms of anxiety for my whole life. My partner suggested to me that I might have OCD because of how distressed I can get about worrying I have a disease because something touched me and I didn't notice or worrying I have to make a wish to prevent a bad thing from happening. I have wondered if I had OCD in the past but feel my anxiety is not consistent or persistent like OCD sufferers describe. This conversation has made me deeply worried that I have been subconsciously giving myself OCD symptoms because OCD explained my disgusting thoughts, and that the thoughts are my true self. Like maybe when I first learned that people with OCD can have intrusive thoughts that are not their own, I latched on to it and forced myself to mirror OCD because it would absolve me of the responsibility for the terrible things I had been thinking. I feel so guilty and there's no one in my life I can tell about this. I feel like when I have opened up about my anxiety to trusted people, I was just lying and dropping bread crumbs that point towards OCD to hide that I am evil.

I feel like I've dug myself in a hole and I wish I could make my brain be quiet. Even when I am not convinced I am a terrible person, I am distracted by thinking about if I have OCD. i feel guilty for impersonating a real mental problem for attention. I have spent two days performing my idea of OCD rituals to the point that my hands are stinging from washing them and I feel so embarrassed that I am just making all this up and i don't know how to stop.

There's no one I can talk to and I feel so terrible. Does anyone relate?