I've been with this girl for 8 months now, she has 2 kids (2 and 3). Their father doesn't come around, but this isn't about him. Her and I now have a kid on the way. This also isn't the issue. The issue is I don't feel like she's hard enough on her kids. She's not strict enough, I also feel as if she doesn't follow through with punishments she speaks on. I've talked to her multiple times, and it has gotten better. I still feel like I have to watch her kids like a hawk, that I have to step in and put my foot down more than I should have to. It's also dawning on me that the kid her and I have on the way will not get away w nearly as much as her two kids do. After a lot of reflection, I think that it could cause mental instability in my biological child. Maybe they'll feel they're less liked, that they don't have as much freedom, that punishment follows through to them more than the two older ones. I have also spoke with her about this topic. She said she'll push harder on setting boundaries with her kids.
Another big thing is, they've come to my parents' house a few times. Every time they're here I'm left feeling embarrassed. I also feel that they're disrespectful in a sense, yes I know they're young. It shouldn't have to be asserted 4 times not to stomp through the flowers, kick at the plants, shake the bird cage and scare them, slam fists into fish tanks. I am also predominantly the one getting onto them for these things. I don't feel comfortable spanking, or smacking hands since they are not my children biologically. I do as much redirecting as I can, but I feel she is far too idle in these situations. I feel like she let's them do whatever they want with no repercussions, and I don't know how much longer I can do this. I love her, and her children, but something needs to change. She has told me many times to treat them as if they are mine, but I feel the first hand smacked, first mouth popped, first butt spanked is going to change how she feels on that entirely and I will be seen as the bad guy.
Like i stated above, she has stepped up on actually standing on punishments, but it's been baby steps. I know I can't expect a complete change overnight, with in a week, maybe not even a month. I'm also made out the bad guy when it puts me in a bad mood that she's letting her kids run rampid. I'm starting to feel like I'm fighting a losing battle, but I'll be damned if we split and she tries to keep my kid from me after the birth; or she only let's me see my kid when its convenient for her.
Maybe I'm too overwhelmed right now, I'm writing this after they just left my dad's house, and I was doing nothing but chasing her kids, putting them in line, telling them over and over not to do the same things, all while she sat there while these things unfolded without any action.
I know as a step dad I'm filling a role, but these are also her kids, not mine, but I will treat them as such. I guess I'll see what happens if I have to take things any further. If it yields a bad reaction from her, maybe it'll also open her eyes that she needs to step up so someone else doesn't have to.
This is my first time handling a situation remotely close to this. Any advice is welcome. Thank you for reading.