A long journal-like essay I wrote about death
Sorry in advance, I wrote in this haphazardly and a friend recommended I share it.
What's the real meaning of existing? What's the purpose of living without any meaning? How do I grapple with the idea of being alive and then no longer existing? We are just creatures who were born to reproduce and pass on the new generation. We're supposedly really smart, and yet, we can't solve the biggest question: What's after death? I've been struggling with what could possibly be waiting for me once I close my eyes for the last time. Could the Christians be right in heaven and hell with a higher being casting judgement on your life, determining if you deserve eternal salvation or damnation? Are Atheists correct in it just ending and not having anything else to it? Maybe the pastafarians nailed the idea of the flying spaghetti monster who grants you beer and strippers? I don't know. I can't find a good angle about death, no matter what. As we all know, after death is eternal. Should a religion be right, you're bound to it for eternity. And why should I be punished for not believing in said religion? Why must I be damned for being skeptical while also being a good person? Why am I considered as awful as rapists, murderers, and sinners purely because I wasn't devoted to such a cause? Why am I judged based on my faith and not on my character? Should there be a god, I could only hope they are a fair one. On the other side, what if there isn't? What would death be if there was no deity in play? Do I remember what my existence was? Do I remember anything, or is it like a state of unconsciousness? Should there be a time where I wake up as a new person? Or would I be stuck in a state of suspension of nothing as I stay asleep in my pine wood box? I once played a game called SpiritFarer. You play as a young lady who has to deliver spirits to the everdoor so they may pass to the final stages of the afterlife. I dream that it is the state of death. Riding around the seas of the afterlife, deciding when I would like to move on. However, I dread that I move into an empty void. Sitting around in a world filled with nothing but myself. I can only hope that I feel no dread and experience a peaceful and pleasant afterlife once my expiration date is reached.
I keep thinking of the one thing I want to avoid in life. How can I embrace death with open arms without knowing what lurks after it? Death, to me, isn't scary. Whether I like it or not, I gotta bite the dust. I have embraced that idea and, reluctantly, accepted it. However, whatever is after keeps popping back into my memory. Life is beautiful and precious, never doubt that, but why must we go through all these emotions and experiences just for them to fade away with our body? Why can't we cling to them and savor them for all eternity? Why do I have to relinquish them after I've earned and experienced them? They're my birthright and my choices, so why do I have to give them up? Hugging my grandmothers for the last time? Experiencing the wonders of life? Spending time with my family? Why should I have to give them up purely because I can't live anymore? It's not fair to give me such experiences of life and remove them as I dwindle away. I want to spend the rest of eternity, enjoying them. I tried talking to my brother about this topic. I don't know how he is so calm and collected about it. He seemingly embraced death and its post. My parents seem to also accept it naturally without any hesitation. How do I find such courage and self-understanding to be like them? Everyone else seems to be so understanding and accepting of it, and yet I can't find their side of it. I want to be nonchalant like them. I want to be free of the plague that is thought of death.
Happy Easter. Today was Easter and, obviously, Jesus and such were brought up a lot. My family seems to have a lot of faith in Christianity already. By no means do I think less of them or think they're foolish for believing it, I just can't seem to find their angle. I talked with my friend Sam. Apparently she believes in the Greek gods. With my little knowledge about mythology, it doesn't seem like the worst fate. Granted, I don't think I have done something to piss off a god, so if they're real, I don't know how I'd feel about going to the Asphodel Meadows (assuming I make it there). Every night I've begun to start crying for a good two or three hours, dreading the thought about what lies after I take my dirt nap. I've been trying to think I'll have it figured out when I'm older or something will be discovered or created (like some form of after credits or maybe plugging a brain into a computer, etc etc). I like thinking about what some people of higher status like to think about it. I'd imagine they're content leaving a mark, or some form of legacy behind. I really hope that I can be remembered for at least three generations after me. I feel like then I've done good enough. I know, for as long as I may kick, I will always remember the people I've lost. Whether they are looking down upon me or resting peacefully, I will always try to think about them, the same way I would want people to for me.
As beautiful and pretty as the world is, it's criminal that I only be given a set time here. Given how I'm only 18, many people consider it young. I agree with that, however I also believe that it's awful that I have a certain time on earth. We ALL die. Some sooner than others, but it shouldn't be that simple.
I've begun to let the idea of dying set in. I can handle it a little more now, but the idea of what is afterwards is still a constant question for me. I always think about what may wait for me once I'm laid to rest, and it gets weirder. I like the idea of it just being a constant state of dreaming. Like everyone is stuck in a little pocket dimension, forever allowed to enjoy whatever they may dream of. On the other hand, what if it may be just like sleeping indefinitely? That also sounds pretty nice. However, the question I ponder most is, what is it like? Do I sense anything or is it like being in a coma? Would I know if I was dead or would I just be out sleeping? Would there be any registration or just a blank void? It's a question that shall always stick with me, and I hope to uncover it throughout my life. It would be very comforting to know what truly lies beyond our lives.
I watched Bohemia Rhapsody today. It made me wonder why I find death so scary for myself, but not as scary for someone who has already left us? Even though Freddie Mercury knew he was going to go, he stayed so calm and enjoyed his life to the fullest. Granted, he did know he had a legacy he was leaving behind. I've always wanted to leave something behind after I go. At the very least, I want to be remembered for a few generations. Something to leave behind would definitely be nice. Maybe a technique or a new invention to always remind people about me. I try not to think about death anymore. Unfortunately, once I'm done distracting myself with games, work, or shows, I set back in. Though, I always think, maybe, sometime in the future, I can be saved with technology. Let it be known now, I don't want to live forever, but I would definitely like to choose when I go. Maybe put me in a Minecraft world or a Gmod server. That'd be fun. Messing around for as long as I want until it's my time. I would like the idea, but don't think it should ever be executed.
I've been trying to type in this doc everyday, trying to record my ideas and thought process. I think it's working. I'm starting to run out of ideas and such so at some point it's hopefully gonna stop and I can go back to being carefree. I keep hearing a song called “Two Time” and for some reason, it makes me think of death. It's weird how we associate songs with strange feelings. I want to try to make a song, but I unfortunately don't have the talent for it. There's a lot of stuff I wanna do.
I, unfortunately, started to worry about kicking the bucket again. I think I'm starting to understand why I'm so fearful. As we get older, we all begin to get weaker and less mobile. At some point I might be alive but unresponsive. The idea of living moments, knowing it might just end when I go to sleep, is kind of terrifying. I, unfortunately, always remember that everyone has a limited time on this planet. Everything follows the same rules, live, survive, reproduce, die. I always try to think that it's gonna be just like it was before. Non-existent and no worries or issues, but I can't imagine it's just closing your eyes for the last time and it's just instantaneously over. There has to be some buffer zone. I dread the idea that, at some point, I gotta leave everything behind. But at the same point, humans aren't made to live forever. The sun is gonna end us at some point. I really just hope there's answers or some kind of technological advancement.
I've unfortunately begun to dread death once more. It's very hard to believe that in thirty-two years, I'll be fifty. I really can't help it. I'm so worried about giving up my memories and loved ones. Everytime I think I'm finally beginning to rationalize myself, I subconsciously remind myself that I'm gonna be sleeping underground. I have lived, experienced and enjoyed my life. I deserve to keep it. It's mine. I don't care what force of nature comes through, it has no right to take such things away from me. I've earned them, they're mine.
I haven’t written anything in a while. I’ve been trying to keep my mind off things and focus on what makes me happy. Unfortunately, I’ve still been thinking about death. I’ve thought about how most of our lives we spend working and trying to improve. It’s such a weird thing to do. So many people work and live a very timid and normal life, but that seems so sad. There’s so much beauty in this world and such little time to see and do everything. I personally want to see everything the world has to offer, but with the current state of it, I doubt I will. It’s awful really. The wonders of the globe shouldn’t be available to those who can afford it. It should be given to everyone, so people can see what we really need to work for and appreciate. I wholeheartedly believe if everyone has the chance to experience the world, we could very well come together to save it. I just wish I had enough time here to do everything I’ve wanted to do so I can hopefully die peacefully. I pray that I accumulate a fortune and really begin to live.
It’s been quite some time since I last wrote anything in this. I’ve been trying to get better at computer based issues. I’m so worried that I won’t be able to make any kind of career and feel so inadequate about my lack of everything, that seeing others so advanced and skilled makes me think I might not be cut out for the work I love. With all my worries about not achieving anything, I’ll genuinely lose all interest and hope. Everyone is so skilled at so much, and yet, I can’t seem to find my footing in anything. I want to be tech savvy like everyone else, but I can’t wrap my head around any of it. I loved IT. It’s super fun. But people take technology to the max and make me feel like I need to be on par with them as they advance. I wish I could be as smart and creative as everyone else.
I’ve been thinking about religions as a whole. The idea of a deity of some sort and a guaranteed afterlife seems to throw me through a loop. The lack of proof, the commitment to the idea with no actual evidence, and the strange rules and limitations. It’s some-what baffling to me. I can respect people who put their faith into something so optimistic. Even though I struggle with the concept, I find it nice that people can unite under something, regardless of race, sexuality, and wealth. However, on another note, I can’t buy into it. Some cosmic being creating and allowing certain things in this world just to make us choose the right path instead of guiding us to it, doesn’t seem plausible to me. I don’t know if its blasphemous to question a god, if there is one, but if there is a god, I wish they are an understanding one. How could a god not understand why people may not be sold on the idea of devoting your whole existence to maybe get results in the end. I understand, if I was wrong, I will be sent to eternal damnation, but I hope the people I loved most are allowed in. I may be unworthy of eternal happiness, but the ones I love definitely deserve it.