Identity and restart - where do I start?
I come from a poor, rural third world background. M36. Been a bright student and that somehow designed my life. 14 years back, took a leap of faith as a researcher to central Europe. Been living there since.
After the research position, got myself into the corporate world in Finance. Worked in several position, and never compromised - there was always the inherent motivation of securing the future of my family. And challenges were all along.
Lost my father midway and got even more family focused. Compromised and compromised at workplace, over and over again. Overperforming, pleasing everything. In my current job since >5 years and hit the ceiling. However, recently my final birth family obligation released itself and at a moment where I could finally focus on my current life, family (wife and a 2year old daughter). In theory, would be the time to self-actualise, have fun, enjoy life
I feel these days absolutely no joy in anything. The work stagnancy and injustice I carry home mentally and my true life is just a day to day breathing. The problem is: I do not feel where to start the rebuild from. How to restart, where from, where to, what with - so clueless. All I feel is that the kid who used to dream limitless, he has no idea of life at all - which is ironic to the state of life we have now.
Im a very engaged dad (learned from the best, my father was my best friend, confidante). And would love to leave a legacy for my daughter. Simple, joyful, meaningful life - but Im so scared, so fearful, so lost within. Im always physically there and never there mentally. A spiral that only worsens.
A good colleague asked: who are you once you take away the batch of work? And the human being, who lived a basic, emotional, joyful life - has now no answer to this fundamental question.
I would love if someone would help me figure out, direct me towards a restart button or simply put - help break the spiral.
The joy of little things - where has it vanished, why am I crying inside in hopelessness most of the time?