Hi, this is probably going to be extremely long but I really need to get this out somewhere because this has been sitting in me for so long now.
I’m 17 (turning 18 this year), afab, and I’ve been questioning my gender in some way for a long time (I’ve only recently realised how long it’s actually been)
I grew up with a heavily Christian, controlling and anti-LGBT family, and I currently live in Poland, which also isn’t very accepting. But I spent part of my childhood in London, and I genuinely think that experience shaped me in ways I’m only now understanding. If I hadn’t lived there, I don’t think I would’ve even had the language or awareness to question anything about myself.
I first learned that LGBTQ+ people existed when I was around 8. From that point on, I became really interested in it. Not in a way where I thought “Hmmm… I want to be part of this” It was more like… I had this weird pull towards it. I kept researching different identities, micro-labels, and reading about people’s experiences for hours, even though I didn’t really know why I was so drawn to it.
Then at about 9 or 10, I had my first real thoughts about not being cis. Around that time, I identified as a demigirl. I pushed it down pretty quickly. I didn’t explore it.
But looking back, there were other things too. Around that same age, I was really adamant about wanting to cut my hair short (you know, “like a boy”). I kept asking my mom, and she never allowed it. I also always wanted some kind of nickname instead of my full name. I hated (even more now) my full government name and never felt comfortable with it.
Even so, whenever I had the chance to choose pronouns (like online), I always picked she/they. That just weirdly felt right at the time.
When I was 12, I moved to Poland, and my life changed a lot. I started trying really hard to fit in with the new people in my life, and I wasn’t being myself at all. I was trying to be like the other girls around me, forcing myself into a box just so I wouldn’t stand out and be judged.
For years after that, I didn’t really confront any gender thoughts again.
But when I was about 15, things changed. I was in high school now. It was then, in my second year, that I met two trans people in real life for the first time. We’re not friends anymore, but they had a huge impact on me. They showed me that this wasn’t just something online and that people could actually live like this. It’s real.
About half a year after meeting them, I started questioning my gender seriously again. I know it was fast, impulsive,and probably slightly stupid, but I began identifying as genderfluid and even changed my name around that time.
Since then, things have only gotten more confusing.
Right now, I think I might be transmasc or maybe a demiboy but I honestly don’t know. And that’s the problem. I don’t know what I am, and it feels like I should know by now.
What I do know is that I’ve never felt like a girl. I don’t feel like a woman, and I don’t think I ever will. But at the same time, I don’t feel 100% like a man either.
I also think I experience some kind of dysphoria/dysmorphia (I’m not even sure what to call it).Most of the time I hate my body. But then there are random days where I feel amazing in it and feel like I actually look good.
Another thing that messes with me is presentation. I tend to lean more masculine most of the time, but I still like feminine things sometimes. I like makeup and dresses sometimes. I know men can like those things too, but it still makes me question myself.
And then there’s this: sometimes, even in private, I still refer to myself as a girl. Not because it feels fully right, but because there’s still some kind of connection there. I feel tied to girlhood in a way I don’t understand, even though I know I’m not a girl.
Socially, I feel like I don’t fit anywhere.
With women, I don’t feel like one of them.
With men, I don’t feel like one of them either.
Even when I imagine being around non-binary people, I still feel like I wouldn’t fully belong. (But this just genuinely could spur from the fact that I am the most socially awkward person on planet Earth)
On top of that, I have to constantly misgender myself in real life, because I know it’s not safe for me to be myself where I live and with the people around me. That makes everything even harder, because I can’t even fully explore who I am without feeling like I’m putting myself at risk.
It honestly feels like I’ll never fit in anywhere, no matter what I identify as.
And what makes this harder is that it feels like so many trans people (both online and in real life) know who they are. They have a plan or some type of direction. And I just… don’t. I don’t know what I want to look like. I just know I don’t want to look like I do now. Sometimes it feels less like I want to become a better version of myself, and more like I just don’t want to be me—but I know I’m always going to be me, and that feeling sucks.
For context, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my identity overall. My sexuality and romantic orientation feel much clearer to me: I’m pansexual, and I’m pretty sure I’m demiromantic. Those parts of me make sense.
But my gender? It feels like a mess.
I guess what I’m asking is… has anyone else felt like this? Like you don’t fully fit any label, or any group, or even your own expectations of what you’re “supposed” to feel like?
Because I don’t even know what I’m trying to become anymore. I just want to understand who I am.